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他從四樓墜落 It was a four-story fall...
從屋頂摔落在水泥路面上 From the top of the roof to the concrete pavement below.
他剛過完29歲生日 He had just passed his 29th birthday.
這里是911 請問需要什么幫助 911. Can I help you?
-我需要急救人員 -有人墜樓了 - I need a paramedic. He fell.
從多高的地方摔下去的 How far did he fall?
從四樓摔下去的 大概有12米高 He fell four stories, which would be 40 feet.
嘴里有血 除此之外 Blood in his mouth, and other than that,
不清楚是否有別處受傷 I don't know if there's any other injuries.
我們一整天都在互發短信 We had been texting each other all day.
我們去樓頂拍幾張照片
千萬不要靠近邊緣啊 我說真的
哈哈 我不會的
他叫湯姆 His name was Tom.
他曾是我的生命 And he was my life.
自我們交往初期 At the beginning of our relationship,
我和湯姆就有很多相似之處 Tom and I bonded over the many similarities we had.
謝恩的視頻日記 2011年5月
我們都從小聽鄉村音樂長大 We both grew up listening to country music.
加斯·布魯克斯同是我們最喜歡的鄉村歌手 Garth Brooks is our favorite country artist.
冥冥之中 我們都認為《曼舞》 And, somehow, we both agreed that "The Dance"
是我們最愛的鄉村歌曲 is our favorite country song.
如果說有人 If there was ever a person
能夠完美詮釋其歌詞 那非湯姆莫屬 to truly emulate the lyrics of this song, it was Tom.
?擁著你 ♪Holding you
擁著你 Holding you...
?我便擁有了一切 ♪I held everything
我便擁有了一切 I held everything.
?那一刻 ♪For a moment
那一刻 For a moment...
?我已于世界之巔 ♪Wasn't I the king?
我已于世界之巔 Wasn't I the king?
?未曾想 ♪But if I'd only known
?我亦會隕落 ♪How the king would fall
?誰說得準 ♪Hey, who's to say
?我能避免這一切 ♪You know, I might have changed it all
?而如今 ♪And now
?我慶幸當時不知 ♪I'm glad I didn't know
?會這樣收尾 ♪The way it all would end
?會這樣飄散 ♪The way it all would go
?我們的生命 ♪Our lives
?最好交給命運 ♪Are better left to chance
?我本可避免傷痛 ♪I could have missed the pain
?但亦會錯失 ♪But I'd have had to miss
?這支曼舞 ♪The dance
新郎
同性戀孩子想在蒙大拿卡利斯佩爾鎮 Kalispell, Montana, is probably not the easiest place
長大很不容易 to have a child grow up who is gay.
我們那里的人 Our community is --
辛迪 謝恩的母親
不能說是不開竅 You don't want to say backwoodsy,
但是 他們生活在閉塞的鄉村 But, you know, they're rural,
因此無法接受與他們不同的人 and so they don't accept people who are different.
謝恩出生那天 The day Shane was born,
我被迫離開醫院 I had to get a special leave from the hospital
去簽署離婚協議 to go sign my divorce papers.
我因此成了醫院里人盡皆知的八卦 So I was the talk of the hospital
因為我們鎮非常小 'cause we're a small, little town,
那算是我生命中非常特殊的時刻 and that was kind of a special moment in my life.
我覺得 I think that, you know,
他們結婚可能過于草率 they might have gotten married too soon, possibly,
所以慢慢得就分開了 and they kind of just grew apart.
我爸爸 他個性很強 My dad, he's a character.
他在大學里是摔跤選手 還喜歡打獵 He was a wrestler in college, and he loves hunting.
他打獵我本來一直跟著 I would go hunting with my dad,
但突然間 and all of a sudden,
他每打中一頭鹿 我都會嚎啕大哭 after he'd shoot a deer, I would end up in tears,
因為我腦子里一直在想小鹿斑比 'cause I kept thinking "Bambi" --
想著 "我爸爸打死了小鹿斑比" Like, "My dad just shot Bambi."
一段時間之后 他就再也不帶我去打獵了 After a while, he stopped taking me hunting.
我跟爸爸說好 等我長大之后 I made a deal with my dad, growing up,
我會嘗試各種不同的運動 that I would try all different sports.
他打過棒球 He tried baseball.
打過籃球 He tried basketball.
全都打過 He tried them all.
我記得有一次他們輸了 I remember one loss they had,
戴維 謝恩的父親
謝恩根本沒怎么上場 可他難過極了 and Shane hardly played at all, but, boy, he took it hard.
真的特別可愛 And that was pretty cute,
但他算不上優秀的球員 but he wasn't much of a contributor.
我對謝恩的第一印象是在學校舞臺劇上 My first memory of Shane was at a school play,
塔米 鄰家母親
他在臺上唱歌跳舞 and he was just singing, dancing --
使出渾身解數來逗大家開心 whatever he could do to entertain, he was doing it.
我們用紅色亮片做了一輛車 We had made a car. We used red glitter.
謝恩的眼中就只有那輛車 And Shane wanted that car like none other.
他四年級的時候 He was in fourth grade,
我記得他跟老師說 and I remember him telling his teacher
他高中畢業后 that, when he graduated from high school,
要去加利福尼亞 he was going to California.
我就想 "為什么" And I just thought, "Why is that?"
那真的很奇怪 You know, that just seemed so strange.
米凱拉 謝恩的發小
他唱芭芭拉·史翠珊歌的樣子我仍記憶猶新 I particularly remember him singing Barbra Streisand.
他在屋里不停繞著圈跑 He was running around the room in circles
當著每個人的面唱 and singing right in everyone's face --
米凱拉 謝恩的發小
?你沒有送花給我 ♪ You don't bring me flowers
非常迷人 特別無畏 Like, just so charismatic and so unafraid.
我上小學的時候 I was in elementary school,
有時候會做那樣的事 and what I would do sometimes is --
我不想上床睡覺 I didn't want to go to bed,
而媽媽讓我去睡覺 and my mom would tell me to go to bed,
然后我就偷偷溜下床 and then I would sneak out
坐在她的躺椅后面看電視 and sit behind her recliner and watch the TV,
因為我想叛逆一下 'cause I wanted to kind of be a little rebel.
有一次 她在看《費城故事》 One time, she was watching the movie "Philadelphia."
等到電影結束的時候 Finally, it got to the end of the movie,
我知道那個男的是同性戀 and I knew that this guy was gay,
我知道他病了 and I knew that he was sick
而且因為同性戀的身份 他就快死了 and he was dying because of being gay,
那深深地引起了我的共鳴 and that really -- it struck a chord with me
因為我意識到 我就和他一樣 'cause I knew that...I was like him.
他喜歡上了另一個男人 結果瞧瞧發生了什么 That guy liked another guy, and look what happened --
他越來越消瘦 越來越虛弱 he kept getting thinner, he kept getting pale,
他的臉上 身上都長滿了膿瘡 And there was like sores on his face and his body,
我記得當時在想 "這就是我今后的模樣" and I just remember thinking that, "That's gonna be me.
"我也會變成這樣" That's gonna happen to me."
他變得比以前安靜了 He got quieter,
也沒那么有趣了 and he wasn't as fun to be around.
你能看得出他有心事 You could tell that something was always on his mind,
莉茲 謝恩的姐姐
有些事一直在困擾著他 Something was always bothering him,
但你就是不知道是什么 but you never knew what it was.
一天晚上 我記得謝恩走進我的房間 One night, I remember Shane coming into my room,
他說 "媽 我要死于艾滋病了" and he said, "Mom, I'm dying of A.I.D.S."
我問 "親愛的 為什么這么說" And I said, "Honey, why are you saying that?"
他說 "因為電影是這么演的" and he goes, "Well, because of that movie."
我告訴他 "親愛的 你沒有艾滋病" And I said, "Well, honey, you don't have A.I.D.S."
那時我才真正注意到 And that's when I really noticed
謝恩得了焦慮癥 Shane starting to have panic attacks.
帕特 謝恩的曾祖母 朱迪 謝恩的祖母
他感覺無法呼吸 He felt like he couldn't breathe.
我們不得不跟他說 And we would have to say,
"你得往頭上套個袋子" "You've got to put a sack over your head."
吸入二氧化碳可以平衡恐慌發作時體內酸堿度 防止過度呼吸導致的呼吸性堿中毒
他不喜歡那樣做 He didn't like doing it,
但如果是在我家 我們就會給他套個袋子 but when he was at my house, we put a sack over his head.
隨著時間推移 So as time went on,
我會偷偷溜進家里的某間臥室 I would sneak into one of the bedrooms in our house
然后撥911 說我快死了 and I would dial 911 and tell them that I was dying.
突然間 And all of a sudden,
我看見車道上有很多燈在閃 I see these flashing lights in the driveway,
我就想 "出什么事了" and I thought, "What is going on?"
我上樓之后 急救人員說 And I go upstairs, and here is the ambulance
家里有人遇到麻煩了 saying that somebody is in distress in this home.
有人噎住了 有人窒息了 Somebody was choking. Somebody was suffocating.
她就會說 "謝恩 該死的" It led to her being like, you know, "Shane, god damn it!
"警察怎么又來了" The cops are here again."
從他六年級開始一直到高中 From sixth grade, till I got that kid through high school,
我都不知道自己是怎么撐下來的 I didn't know if I was gonna survive.
我敢說他報了10到15次警 I bet 10, 15 times he called 911.
我花的錢 The money
那么多年來我在那上面花的錢 That it, you know, cost me through the years --
可以說是壓力不小 It was very stressful.
但他的確很痛苦 我知道他很痛苦 But it was real to him, and I knew it was real to him,
我想要他有安全感 And I wanted him to feel he was safe.
她最終發現 She finally decided
狀況已經嚴重到超出她能掌控的地步了 that this is maybe more serious than she can handle,
所以她帶我去看了心理醫生 so she set me up with a therapist.
等謝恩完成他的療程之后 When Shane got done with his session,
醫生把我叫進去 對我說 he asked me to come in, and he said,
"你兒子需要接受他是同性戀這個事實" "Your son just needs to admit to himself that he's gay,
"一切都會好起來的" and everything will be fine."
我說 "你怎么能這樣說呢" And I said, "How can you say that?
"他不是同性戀" He's not gay."
豪瑟醫生說 "那好吧" And Doctor Hausser said, "Well, you know,
"看來你也需要坦然接受這個事實" That's something you're gonna have to come to peace with."
我一直很懷疑 不騙你 I always suspected -- I'm not gonna lie to you.
我花了幾天時間接受這個事實 It took me a couple days to process,
然后我就決定 and the thing it come down to is,
"我不會再要其他孩子了" "I ain't making any more kids --
"我還是跟這幾個孩子好好過吧" I better stay in good with the ones I got."
我無條件地愛他 所以這并不重要 And I love him unconditionally, so it just doesn't matter.
有趣的是 當我還是個小孩子 It's kind of funny now that, here I was a little boy,
我跪在地上 向上帝祈禱自己不是同性戀 on my knees, praying to God that I wouldn't be gay,
與此同時有另外一個男孩 and there was another little boy
在2400公里以外的印第安納做著同樣的事 1,500 miles away in Indiana doing the same thing.
同性戀孩子想在印第安納諾克斯市 Knox, Indiana, is not the easiest place
長大很不容易 for a gay kid to grow up.
那里文化很單一 不夠多元 It's very homogenous -- not much diversity there.
馬克 湯姆的發小
我認識湯姆 I knew Tom
是因為我倆的哥哥都曾當過童子軍 when both of our brothers were in boy scouts together.
大家都喜歡他 Everybody loved him.
他就是那種人見人愛的孩子 And he was just the popular kid.
非常有同情心 He had a lot of empathy.
我永遠不會忘記 我母親去世那天 I'll never forget, the day my mom died,
湯姆是第一個來我家的人 Tom was the first person to come over to my house.
他走進大門 哭哭啼啼的 He walked in the door, and he was crying --
好像他比我還傷心 You know, almost like he's sadder than I am.
湯姆的父母在之前的婚姻中 Tom's mother and father each had children
都有各自的孩子 from previous marriages.
湯姆則是他倆唯一共同生下的孩子 So, Tom was the only child between the two parents,
是全家人的掌上明珠 and he was the center of attention in the family.
他到哪都是焦點人物 He was the center of attention everywhere he was.
湯姆經常在家里彈琴 Tom would always be playing the piano at home,
唱歌 跳舞 singing, dancing around.
?來吧 寶貝 ♪ Come on, baby
?你讓我癲狂 ♪ You're driving me crazy
?我的老天 ♪ Goodness gracious
?好一團熱情的火焰 ♪ Great balls of fire!
他在蹦床上耍各種雜技 He was doing his tricks on the trampoline,
總是在表現自己 and he was always performing.
對湯姆來說 怎么表現都不為過 For Tom, there was never any such thing as too much.
湯姆的父親 只是個普通藍領工人 Tom's dad, he was a simple blue-collar worker,
早出晚歸 came home late, got up really early the next day,
日復一日 and, you know, did it again.
他父母為了湯姆的幸福犧牲了很多 Both of his parents sacrificed a lot for Tom's happiness.
為了讓湯姆進柯爾沃 His mom took a job as a janitor
柯爾沃 美國一流高中
他母親找了份清潔工的工作 so that Tom could go to Culver.
沒有多少父母會這么做 Not many parents would do that --
為了讓孩子接受最好的教育 would start cleaning toilets so their son could have
而跑去洗廁所 the best education.
湯姆的父親曾在越南服役 Tom's dad was in Vietnam, and that's why
因此他高中時去了趟越南 he went to Vietnam when he was in high school.
他十分欽佩父親為國奮戰的行為 He definitely respected his dad for fighting for his country.
我覺得 隨著湯姆不斷長大 I think, as Tom got older,
隨著他逐漸萌生自己的想法 as Tom became his own person,
他倆也變得愈發難以溝通 it just became difficult for them to connect.
湯姆總是固執地 Tom was always very adamant
說著自己的想法 about saying what he believed in,
而他父親則無法接受 and it didn't work with his dad.
真是悲哀 但我真的認為 And it's sad, but I really think that,
謝恩的視頻日記 高中二年級
如果更多人愿意給我機會跟他們做朋友 if more people would give me a chance to be their friend,
我可以證明給他們看 I could show them that,
即使我和他們不完全一樣 it's just 'cause I'm not exactly like them,
但我依然是個好人 but I'm still a good person.
工作人員: 歡迎來到冰雪皇后 可以為您點餐
最近怎么樣 Hi. How's it going?
你少來 謝恩
怎么 What?
我就是來買和平常一樣的 I'm just coming to get the usual.
好吧 請放6.74刀在窗口
好的 謝謝 All right. Thank you.
真是悲哀 It's kind of pathetic
他們每次都知道我要什么 if they know exactly what I get every time.
在卡利斯佩爾 In Kalispell, seriously,
吃冰雪皇后的成千上萬 there's tons of people at Dairy Queen.
這里很不錯 It's the cool place to be.
讓我看看 Yeah, let's see.
怎么 What?
她把鏡頭擋住了 She just closed the camera.
在那 在那 Oh, there's -- there's --
天啊 他們把窗戶擋上了 Oh, geez. They closed the windows.
我其實在這上班 I actually worked here,
但我不想告訴別人我在這上班 but I didn't tell people that I worked here.
我得承認 I have to admit
我想成為那種人 that I want to be one of those people
那種人們見到就會說 that people are like, "Ooh!
"哇 他真帥" Whoa! He looks good."
我喜歡跑步 'Cause I enjoy running,
但我只在自己家的跑步機上跑 but when I run, it's on a treadmill in our house,
因為我不想讓人看到我跑步的樣子 because I do not want people seeing me running.
我完全不想讓別人看到我 I do not want people to see me, really, at all.
有件事我一直很渴望 The one thing that I wanted
就是有一個愿意和我聊天交朋友 was just someone that I could talk to and relate to,
并接受真實自我的人 that accepted me for being me.
我曾迷戀上了一個叫馬特·帕克的男孩 I developed a crush for a guy named Matt Parker.
我們可以整晚待在彼此的家里 And we would spend the night at each other's houses all the time.
我們一起出門打籃球 We would play basketball outside.
是最好的朋友 We were just best friends.
到了高中 我終于鼓起勇氣 It was in high school that I finally got the courage
告訴馬特我的感受 我給他寫了封情書 to tell Matt how I felt, and I wrote him a love letter.
我很緊張 I was nervous.
寫情書這事我真的很緊張 I was so nervous about giving him the letter.
但他告訴我他不是同性戀 But he had to tell me that he's not gay.
我很傷心 但同時 And it broke my heart, but at the same time,
我也很高興 因為他愿意繼續做我朋友 I was still so happy that he was willing to be my friend.
當時高中里有這么幾個人 There was a situation with a couple friends in high school,
他們質疑他的性向 and they were questioning his sexuality
斯科特 謝恩的高中朋友
并且... 嘲笑他 and kind of were, you know, mocking him,
拿他開玩笑 making fun of him,
他的幾個朋友也對他避之不及 And a couple of his friends completely shunning him.
我接到他好朋友母親的電話 I got a phone call from one of his best friend's mother,
她想讓我過去一趟 and she wanted me to come over.
她很生氣 She was very upset.
當我媽告訴我她要去馬特家時 Once my mom told me that she was going over to Matt's house,
我立刻預感到這不會是好事 I knew immediately this was not gonna be good.
那也算不上一封真正意義上的情書 It wasn't, you know, really a love, love letter.
只是寫了他很欣賞馬特 It was just, you know, he admired Matt,
喜歡和他在一起的時光 he enjoyed his time,
在我看來更像是一封宣誓友誼的信 and it was just, I thought, like a good friendship letter.
沒有讓人反感的文字 It was nothing distasteful.
和性無關 It was nothing sexual.
只是說了他對他的感覺 It was just telling him how he felt about him.
我讓她說完了她想說的話 I let her say everything she wanted to say,
然后我告訴她 and after she was done, I just told her,
我說 "你不用再擔心了" I said, "You'll never have to worry about this again,
"因為謝恩不會再和馬特一起玩了" because Shane will never be around Matt,
"我也不想再跟你有什么聯系" and I don't want to ever hear from you again."
我不想復述我對她說的原話 I don't want to say what I really told her.
那不太禮貌 我大概是告訴她 It wasn't polite, and I just told her, basically,
離我們遠點 別騷擾我兒子 take the flying leap and to leave my son alone.
馬特的父母在社區里很有地位 Matt's parents were very prominent in the community.
他父親是校長 His dad was a principal.
他母親是教師 His mom was a teacher.
校長告訴我 I was told by the principal
我不得參加 that I wasn't allowed
任何體育比賽 to go to any sporting events,
因為馬特在隊里 Because Matt was on the teams.
那是塊大場地 That was the big place to be.
鎮上所有的人都會去 That was where everyone in town was,
而謝恩卻被禁止出席 and Shane wasn't welcome.
馬特也在同一個教區 Matt was also in the same church community,
謝恩也因此無法 and Shane wasn't able
跟小伙伴們一起參加一次重要的旅行 to go on a very important trip with his youth group.
因為馬特的父母不允許他去 Matt's parents made it so he couldn't go,
他為那次旅行攢了許多錢 and he had raised all this money to go on this trip,
他很絕望 and he was devastated.
他表現出無所謂的樣子 He acted like it was no big deal,
但能看出來他很受打擊 but you could tell he was hurt.
情書發出去之后 Once this letter came out,
這個男孩和他家長鬧得滿城風雨 this boy and his parents went and shouted it to the world.
學校里的孩子不斷找他麻煩 Kids at school were constantly picking on him.
他不再被大家接受 He wasn't accepted anymore.
他們叫他基佬 They called him gay.
叫他娘泡 They called him fag.
他們給他起得名字都難聽極了 The names that they called him were just horrendous.
雅各布 謝恩最喜歡的老師
有一種心態被稱為"牛仔精神" There's a mentality of the "Cowboy way"
而那對同性戀并不認可 which does not include people that are gay.
因此在那里生活很難 So it's a tough place.
在他被禁止參加這些活動前 Before he was banned,
謝恩參加過一次橄欖球比賽 Shane was at a football game,
所有孩子都在獎杯里吐口水 and all these kids started spitting in this cup.
然后據我所知 And next thing I know, the one kid
一位曾經是謝恩非常要好的朋友拿著獎杯 that used to be a real good friend of shane's had this cup,
想將其倒扣在謝恩的頭上 and he was just about ready to tip it on Shane's head.
我跟你說 要說起 And let me tell you -- if you want to talk
母熊護子 about a mother bear protecting her cub,
我當時都氣瘋了 this woman came unglued.
我說 "把那該死的獎杯放下 離他遠點" I said, "You put that damn cup down, and leave him alone."
看著這種事發生在我兒子身上太讓人心疼了 It was just heartbreaking to see that happen to my son.
謝恩的視頻日記 高中三年級
在與馬特和他家人的種種鬧劇結束后 It was after all the drama with Matt and his family
我的心情十分陰暗 that I just went to a really dark place,
我崩潰了 and I had a breakdown.
我接到了學校的電話通知 I got a call from the school informing me
說我兒子已經兩周沒去學校了 my son hasn't been to school for two weeks.
其他孩子讓他生不如死 Other kids made his life literally a living hell,
而且毫無好轉跡象 and it never really got better,
我認為他也看不到希望 And I don't think he ever saw it would get better,
所以他直接不去上學了 and that's why he just stopped going.
一天晚上 我和三個女兒 One evening, all three daughters and I
一起去家具城 went to the furniture store,
那天是他的生日 and it was his birthday,
他只是孤零零地跟媽媽逛街 And he was by himself, just hanging out with his mom.
他的情緒很低落 He was very depressed.
他不再是以前那個謝恩了 He was not shane.
好像變成了一具空殼 He was like a shell of himself.
我為自己給家人帶來的難堪與傷害 I was sick of the embarrassment and the pain
謝恩的姐妹
感到深深的痛苦 that I was bringing to my family.
我覺得唯一能讓他們解脫的辦法 I felt like the only way that I can make their lives better
就是獨自一人去面對 is by taking my own.
那天在爸爸的住處 只有我一個人在家 I was at my dad's house, I was home alone,
我走到他放槍的地方 And I just walked over to his gun case.
取出了一把槍 And I took one of the guns,
之后回到了客廳 And I just went back in the living room,
我拿著槍 坐在那兒 And I just sat there, and I held it.
想了很多很多 I mean, there was so many thoughts,
那時 我腦子里一片混亂 like, going through my head at that moment.
我苦苦掙扎了一個多小時 It was like for over an hour, just really contemplating,
做著艱難的抉擇 like, what my next step should be.
還好 我意識到了 Fortunately, I also thought through
選擇死亡對我的親人太不公平 in that it wouldn't be fair to my family.
對我媽媽也不公平 It wouldn't be fair to my mom.
我不得不考慮 And I just had to visualize
如果我就這樣結束了自己的生命 what the experience would be like for them
我的家人會遭受怎樣的痛苦 if I did take my life.
這不值得 And it wouldn't be worth it.
同樣在某程度上 我相信 Also, on some level, I must have believed
總會有那么一天 that, somehow, someday,
會出現這么一個人 there's gonna be someone out there
他會很單純地愛上我這個人 who's gonna love me for me.
湯姆就是有這樣的氣質 Tom just had this presence.
充滿活力 He had this energy.
他總是不停地唱啊跳啊 He was always singing and laughing
享受生活 and enjoying life so much.
?軍功卓著的將軍有顆金子般的心 ♪ There was a decorated general with a heart of gold
演唱: 湯姆
他是班里的佼佼者 He was at the top of his class.
無論是體育運動 還是學校功課 He was a leader in all aspects of the word,
他總是門門全優 in sports, and in school.
?在戰場上 ♪ On the battlefield...
阿曼達
湯姆在柯爾沃軍事學院的好友
你每次見到湯姆的時候 Every time you met Tom,
就像見到了自己最好的朋友一樣 it felt like you were meeting your best friend.
不管你是誰 And it didn't matter who you were --
他總是無條件支持你 He always had your back.
我認為湯姆沒有去本地的高中 I think Tom went to Culver
而是選擇了柯爾沃 instead of the high school in his hometown,
是因為他覺得這是個 because he saw it as an opportunity
開闊眼界的機會 to open his horizons,
為此 他的父母功不可沒 And, you know, his parents played a big role in that.
他媽媽在柯爾沃工作 His mom worked at culver,
因此他們才能支付減免的學費 primarily so that they could afford the reduced tuition,
因此湯姆才有了以后那些機會 so that Tom would have all those opportunities.
高三那年 他向我吐露心聲 He came out to me our senior year.
那天晚上 我們坐在草地上 It was at night, and we were sitting in the grass,
我只記得 他突然變得很嚴肅 and I remember he got really serious all of a sudden,
他說 "我有事要告訴你" And he said, "I have something to tell you --
"我是同性戀" I'm gay."
之后他就把頭埋了下去 Then he put his head in his lap,
哭了出來 他的情緒很激動 And he was crying and really emotional about it.
我想他真的很害怕被人說三道四 I think he was really afraid of being judged.
可我并沒有感到驚訝 It didn't surprise me at all.
因為這位男性朋友 This is coming from my friend who,
在三四個星期之前 probably three or four weeks ago,
剛在他家后院里玩蹦床的時候 was singing "I'm a barbie girl,"
高歌過一曲《芭比娃娃》 while jumping on a trampoline in his backyard.
水叮當樂團風靡全球的卡通舞曲
瓦薩學院
他認識所有人 大家也都知道他 He knew everybody, and everybody knew him.
因為總和他在一起 I felt like my popularity scale rose
我覺得自己也變得出名了 just because I hung out with him.
上學的時候 湯姆和安妮·海瑟薇是朋友 Tom was friends with Anne Hathaway in school.
還有湯姆·漢克斯的女兒 He also was friends with Tom Hanks' daughter.
薩沙 湯姆在瓦薩學院的好友
我總是不停地在想 I never could wrap my mind around it,
這就是湯姆 這個洋溢著中西部風情 because here was tom, this sort of midwestern,
啃著玉米和美國派長大的壯小伙 Corn-fed, american-pie-eating guy,
薩沙 湯姆在瓦薩學院的好友
來自印第安納州的一個小鎮 who came from this tiny town in Indiana,
他上過軍校 who then went to military school.
他總是能在社交 He was able to get along and succeed
和學業之間游刃有余 in that entire social circle and academic circle.
后來他來到了自由的瓦薩學院 And then went to Vassar, which is this liberal place
那里的氛圍完全不同 and a completely different vibe.
他的經歷簡直令人難以置信 He just sort of was magic.
湯姆 他那么英俊 Tom, for as beautiful as he was and, you know
愛麗克絲 湯姆在瓦薩學院的好友
這一點 他自己也清楚 the fact that he knew how beautiful he was,
可他從不關注別人的長相 He did not care at all about how other people looked.
他不在乎你是從哪里來的 And he did not care where you came from,
你開什么樣的車 what car you drove.
他只是很單純地接納你這個人 He just accepted anybody and everybody for who they were,
可能是由于他的同志身份 and I think because he was gay,
他了解那些逆主流 and because he knew what it was like
不被大眾接受的感受 to be not the mainstream, normal person.
他對我說過很多次 He told me many times
因為我有聽力障礙而對我十分欽佩 how much he respected me because I was hearing-impaired.
與其他20出頭的年輕人不同 他經常對我說 What 20-something-year-old says to you,
"天哪 太不可思議了 你怎么做到的" "Wow, you're amazing -- you've done so much"?
"我真是太崇拜你了" "I'm in total awe of you --"
誰會這樣說呢 沒人這樣說 Who says that? Nobody.
他會吟唱古典音樂 He gave recitals of classical music.
他寫出的歌詞感人肺腑 He wrote incredibly heartfelt lyrics.
但他同時也是個硬漢 可以把你打得落花流水 But he was tough, 'cause he could kick your ass.
能夠把你摔倒在地 He could wrestle you down.
我知道他爸爸很嚴厲 I know that his dad was very stern.
在一定程度上 他認為 The idea of manhood and masculinity
男子漢一定要有陽剛之氣 and presenting yourself in a certain way
這一點對他來說很重要 was important to him.
他希望湯姆也能夠成為那樣的男子漢 I think he wanted to have Tom basically play that role.
在這一點上 湯姆做得很好 And Tom knew how to play it very well.
我和湯姆之間 There was definitely
有一個從沒說出口的共識 an unspoken understanding between Tom and I
那就是他的同志身份 that he was gay.
我知道他一直在為此掙扎 And I know that was a struggle for him,
因為他始終沒有告訴自己的父母 because he still hadn't told his parents.
我想湯姆一定是擔心 I think Tom was literally worried
他爸爸知道后會宰了他吧 that his dad would kill him.
我正在離開卡利斯佩爾的路上 Well, I'm leaving Kalispell right now,
謝恩的視頻日記 2004年8月
現在大概3點左右 And it's roughly 3:00.
沒錯 我很緊張 And, yep, I am nervous.
我和家里人說的時候 I have been talking to my family,
他們都在不停地哭 And everyone's crying and doing that whole thing.
我現在拿出手機假裝打電話 I'm gonna be on my cellphone
這樣看起來不會像在自言自語 So it looks like I'm not talking to myself.
他們給我錢 讓我注意安全 Everyone gave me money and told me to be safe.
我現在出發了 So, here I go.
畢業之后 他拿到了 After graduation, he got a scholarship
鎮上一所學校的獎學金 to go to the school here in town.
我很不情愿他放棄這個機會 and so it was hard for me to not have him take it.
可他想去加利福尼亞 'cause he wanted to go to California.
我知道 他去了好萊塢之后 I knew, when he went to Hollywood,
一切都會好起來的 he was going to be okay,
在那里 他會遇到許多和他一樣的同性戀者 and he can mix in with where a lot of gay people were.
我甚至不知道他走了 I didn't even know he went to --
我的腦子不好使了 my mind is gone.
記性不太好 I can't remember many things.
謝恩的視頻日記 2004年8月
加利福尼亞州
我們第一次見到謝恩 We first met Shane
是在蒙大拿州米蘇拉的一次家族婚禮上 At a family wedding in Missoula, Montana.
保羅和馬克 謝恩的雇主及朋友
他說 "最后 我還是決定去加州" He said, "Eventually, I'd like to move to california."
三個月之后 Well, three months later,
我們接到他的電話 說他到了 We got a phone call from him that he was here.
我們竭盡所能地幫助他 So we kind of tried to steer him --
幫他找工作 安排住處 Helping him get a job, a place to live.
我們就像成了他的養父母 And we became like his adopted parents.
我想他當時剛滿18歲 I think he was barely 18 years old,
里克 謝恩的房東
還是個瘦弱的卷毛小子 This thin kid with curly hair,
剛從蒙大納州來到了大城市 out of Montana into the big city.
他很安靜 很保守 He was very quiet, very reserved.
珍妮和婕爾薩 謝恩的良師益友
他給我看了幾張自拍照 He showed me some head shots that he took.
他的頭發很卷 長得像李伯拉斯 He had wavy, wavy hair, and he looked like Liberace.
李伯拉斯 美國著名同性戀鋼琴家
沒錯 沒錯 沒錯 Oh. Right. Right, right.
-我就想 "天吶" -沒錯 - And I thought, "Oh, my god." - Right.
"我該和這孩子說些什么呢" "What am I gonna tell this kid?"
珍妮和婕爾薩 謝恩的良師益友
謝恩說他想當演員 Shane said he wanted to be an actor.
可沒過多久 我們就明白了 But after a very short time, it became clear
他只是想來加利福尼亞而已 he just wanted to get to California.
我找到了一份工作 I got a job
給一部電視劇做制片助理 working as a production assistant for a TV show.
謝恩和我是在錄像帶庫里認識的 Shane and I met in the tape vault,
可以算得上是一見鐘情 and it was pretty much love at first sight.
切爾西 好友
他有種小鎮男孩的特質 He's got that small-town kind of quality to him.
討人喜歡 搞笑 同時為人謙遜 He's just so likeable and funny and so humble.
切爾西 好友
謝恩對事對人有著與眾不同的看法 Shane doesn't necessarily see sort of what everyone else sees.
一位與我共事的好友 One of my friends that I worked with,
邀請我去和她的一個朋友打保齡球 she invited me to go bowling with one of her friends.
我們有個想法 We had this idea
讓湯姆和謝恩相互認識一下 that we had to get Tom and Shane to meet each other.
麗茲 好友
不過沒告訴他們這是我們刻意安排的 But we didn't tell them that it was a setup.
她跟我說有個叫湯姆的人也會去 She said that there was gonna be this guy there named Tom
他在這個行業中十分活躍 and that he's active in the industry,
《新聞周刊》平面模特照
所以她覺得結識他 會對我今后的發展有幫助 So she thought that maybe it would be a good person to be connected with.
我們到了那里 We get there.
他非常引人注目 He is ridiculously attractive --
可以說帥氣逼人 魅力非凡 gorgeous, if you will -- so charismatic.
他當過演員 He was an actor.
拍過幾部戲 I think he had been in a few things.
就在此時 And almost immediately,
謝恩開始懷疑我們的目的 Shane became skeptical.
我們喜歡這些男人
性感的鄰家男孩
他開始問"這家伙是誰" He was like, "who is this guy?"
我反問他"他為何讓你如此糾結 謝恩" And I'm like, "why is he bothering you so much, Shane?"
他比我大四歲 He was four years older than me.
去過很多地方 Like, he had traveled the world,
會說外語 you know, spoke a different language.
會演奏好幾種樂器 He played a bunch of instruments.
他總是自信滿滿的樣子 He was just so cocky and confident,
當然 保齡球也打得很好 and, well, of course, he, like, was bowling really well.
而我 連五個瓶都擊不倒 And then here I am, like, can't even knock five pins down.
在打完保齡球不久之后 So, it wasn't too long after we went bowling
我們又在我朋友莉茲的公寓里碰到了 that we all got together again at my friend Lizzy's apartment.
就在那天晚上 It was that night
我們終于互換了手機號碼 that we finally exchanged phone numbers.
我們一起出去玩 We ended up hanging out,
四處周游 you know, a few times here and there.
他一直唱歌 總是很開心的樣子 And he was always singing. He was always happy.
?生活就像高速公路 ♪ Life is a highway
?我要星夜兼程 ♪ I want to ride it all night long
我和湯姆 我們白天一直待在一起 Tom and I, we would spend all day together,
之后他回自己家 and then he would go home,
然后 晚上的時候 which would lead to, later in the evening,
我們還要講上幾個小時的電話 talking on the phone for a few hours.
沒過多久 It did not take long
我就覺得與湯姆相處很愉快 for me to really feel comfortable with Tom,
可以對他無所不談 that I could tell him anything.
可以信任他一輩子 Like, I trusted him with my life.
湯姆是個很自信的人 Tom was a very confident person.
是他主動追求謝恩 He went after Shane.
起初 謝恩的反應是"天吶" At first, Shane was like, "aah,"
因為他從沒談過戀愛 'cause he had never been in a relationship before.
這對他來說是初戀 This was his, you know, first love.
我們有次去聽湯姆演唱 We went to hear Tom one time,
謝恩會在他表演的時候環顧四周 and Shane would look around the room while he was playing
因為他想讓所有人都專心聽他唱歌 because he wanted to make sure everybody was paying attention
并對他同樣狂熱 and seeing what he saw.
有一個猶太單詞叫做自豪 And there is a Jewish word called kvell.
那正是湯姆表演時他臉上的神情 And that's what he looked like when Tom performed --
他無比自豪 he was kvelling.
熱情洋溢 He was glowing.
終于體驗到愛情的滋味非常美妙 It was incredible to finally experience that feeling of love,
有如心花怒放一般 you know, like the butterflies.
這正是我想象中我的朋友們有過的感受 It's what I always imagined that all my friends felt.
沒過多久 我就搬進了他的公寓 It didn't take long for me to move into his apartment.
他們很快就走到了一起 They got very close very quickly.
我認為他們能走到一起并不是因為搬去了洛杉磯 I think their freedom wasn't moving to L.A.
而是由于湯姆為謝恩創造了 I think Tom was definitely the door for Shane
認同自己的機會 to come to terms with himself.
湯姆是他的避風港 Tom was a safe place.
湯姆認識謝恩的時候 他就像只迷失的羊 When Tom met Shane, he was a little, lost sheep.
湯姆真的把謝恩照顧的很好 And Tom really looked out for Shane.
他喜歡給我做飯 哪怕他累了一天 He loved making dinner even when he was really tired.
他喜歡替我系領帶 He loved tying my ties --
甚至用專門的方法幫我疊襯衫 even properly tucking my shirt in,
因為柯爾沃教過他該怎么弄 because at Culver, they teach you how to do all that.
湯姆一心追求他的夢想 Tom truly was pursuing his dreams,
而謝恩明白賬單需要有人支付 and Shane knew that bills had to be paid.
謝恩是個很理性地人 Shane was the level-headed one.
一人沒考慮周全的地方 另一人可以互補 What one couldn't think of, the other one could.
他們發現彼此之間有很多共同點 They found an awful lot in common.
他們都是浪漫主義者 They were both romantics.
他們都來自小鎮 They're both from small towns.
都希望讓世人對他們刮目相看 Both wanted to make an impression on the world.
艾莉森 湯姆的好友
他們總是面帶微笑 生活得很開心 They were always smiling and always having a good time.
他們是那種讓你相信愛情的情侶 I mean, they're the kind of couple that makes you believe in love.
艾琳 好友
我喜歡看他們斗嘴 I just loved their bickering,
那簡直是打情罵俏 which was really flirting.
在他們感情中 我最喜歡那個部分 That was probably my favorite part of their relationship.
別太用力
我在軍校為別人剃過一次頭發 I did this once in military school --
最后那孩子不得不剃成光頭 the kid had to shave his head.
你為什么告訴我這事 Why are you telling me that?
說真的 別太用力 Seriously, don't press so hard.
他們就像一對老夫老妻 They were like an old married couple --
他們很年輕 又是同性戀 卻不愛外出消遣 they were young, gay, but they never wanted to go out.
我有時提議"我們去酒吧吧 我們去夜店吧" I'm like, "let's go to the bar. Let's go to the club."
布蘭登 好友
他們不太外出消遣 They didn't go out a lot,
因為他們總是在努力工作 'cause they were always working,
想方設法地構建自己的生活 trying to build something.
我知道對湯姆而言 這不僅是為了忠貞 I know that, for Tom, it wasn't just about fidelity,
當然 這很重要 which, of course, was like number one.
與此同時 It was also about being
他將自己的情感 completely emotionally available,
精神和靈魂都完全交給了謝恩 mentally available, spiritually available to Shane.
當你到了我這把歲數 When you get to my age,
會對一切抱有懷疑態度 you start being a little agnostic
比如感情那種事誰都說不準 that anything like that can occur.
但漸漸的 我能明顯的看出 But over time, it became pretty apparent
他們之間的感情 that this was something that was probably going
可以維持很久很久 to last for a very, very long time.
他們圍繞在一種與眾不同的光環之中 There was an aura about them that just was something special.
喬什 好友
在場的每一位 Everyone in this room,
以及任何觀看這部紀錄片的人都會希望 or anyone watching this documentary could wish
能夠擁有湯姆和謝恩這樣的愛情 that they had the love that Tom and Shane had.
這是你每晚都夢寐以求的東西 That's what you dream about at night.
而他們得以美夢成真 And they had it.
謝恩和湯姆開始為一些樂手做在線推廣 Shane and Tom started doing online promotion for musicians.
他們有個小小的工作室 And they had the little, tiny shack of a studio,
真是有趣極了 But it was just so much fun,
我們可以花上幾小時的時間 and we would just spend hours and hours
嘗試用各種方式來征服全世界 just trying to think of ways to take over the world.
突然之間 All of a sudden,
他們自制的一系列視頻開始問世 there was this factory of videos that started coming out.
他們有個想法 They had all these ideas
那就是制作一檔電視節目或旅游節目 for what could be a TV show or a travel show.
大家好 我是湯姆 正身處巴西里約熱內盧 Hey, everybody, I'm Tom, in the beautiful,
這個美麗酷熱又潮濕的城市 extremely hot and humid city of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
歡迎訪問湯謝網 Welcome to tomandshane.com.
-我是湯姆 -我是謝恩 - I'm Tom. - And I'm Shane.
我們在歐胡島 And we're in Oahu.
你為什么總用這種嗓音說話 Why do you always do that voice?
乃們好 偶是飛行員 Hello, I'm the pilot.
偶比飛行員更膩害 This is better than a pilot.
你知道自己會這么說話吧 You know you do that voice.
-那必須滴 -好吧 - Oh, I know. - Okay.
他們成了冒險家 They became adventurers,
電影制片人 紀錄片制作人 filmmakers, documentarians.
我覺得他們真的很喜歡這個想法 I think they just really liked the idea
拍下他們所經歷的美好時光 并與世人分享 of taking the excitement that they had and sharing it.
我和湯姆越是相愛 The more Tom and I fell in love,
我們越想告訴我們的父母 the more we wanted to tell our parents about it.
但是我們有個想法 But each of us had the philosophy
在沒有找到那個 that there was no need to tell your family
謝恩的姐妹
能夠與你共度余生的伴侶之前 until you found that person
沒必要告訴自己的家人 that you were gonna spend the rest of your life with.
我媽和阿姨來看我 So, my mom and my aunt were visiting,
那天已經很晚了 and it was very late at night,
但我跟我媽說我得和她談談 but I told my mom that I had to talk to her.
當著湯姆的面 我說"媽" With Tom by my side, I said, "mom."
我說"親愛的 如果你想告訴我你是同性戀" I said, "honey, if you're gonna tell me you're gay,
"沒關系 我知道這事 我可以接受" that's fine. I know it, and I'm okay with it."
接著我問"湯姆是你的伴侶嗎" And I said, "and is Tom your partner?"
湯姆說"是的 我是他的伴侶" And Tom goes, "yep. I'm his partner."
湯姆坐在那 本以為會有一場激烈的爭吵 Tom was sitting there waiting for a big blowup or something,
而我只說了句 "太好了" And I just said, "Well, great.
"我不用再像以前那樣擔心謝恩了" You know, I don't have to worry about Shane like I did."
湯姆是上天賜予我的禮物 Tom was my godsend.
謝恩的焦慮癥再也沒發過 Shane didn't have his anxieties anymore.
他更有自信 He was more confident.
生活得很幸福 He was happy.
變得更像一個男子漢了 He was just more of a man.
我從沒想過 I never imagined
我會比以前更愛我母親 that I could love my mom even more than I did.
當我為自己是同性戀而掙扎時 她一直陪在我身邊 She had been there through all my struggles of being gay.
我們從沒有開誠布公地談過這件事 And we never said out loud what the real deal was,
但現在終于說出來了 but now we had.
那感覺真的好極了 It was the greatest feeling ever.
演唱: 湯姆
我和湯姆知道 Tom and I knew
向他父母坦白會是個巨大的挑戰 it would be a challenge to come out to his parents.
他去印第安納州過圣誕節 So, he was in Indiana for Christmas.
當時只有他和他母親兩個人 It was just him and his mom.
電視上播放了一檔 And there was something that came on TV
關于女同情侶的節目 about a lesbian couple,
湯姆的母親說那太惡心了 And Tom's mom made a comment about how that was disgusting.
就在那時 湯姆意識到 And Tom, at that moment, just realized,
"我得告訴她真相" "Like, I need to tell her."
他對他母親說 "媽 我是同性戀" He told his mom, "Mom, I'm gay.
"你說那樣的話 其實也在說我" When you say things like that, you're talking about me."
我覺得他以為事情會像 He was, I think, sort of building
謝恩出柜時一樣 on what had happened when Shane came out.
謝恩向他母親坦白的時候 Shane had come out to his mother,
她母親已經猜得八九不離十 and she basically filled in the blanks --
"你是同性戀 我早知道了" "Oh, you're gay. I knew that already.
"我一直都知道" I always knew that."
我一直以為他母親知道他是同性戀 I was sure that his mom knew that he was gay.
但她立馬給他父親打了電話 But she immediately called his dad
讓他下班回家 to come home from work
就因為這條令人震驚的消息 because of this breaking news.
她一直不停地說 And she went on and on
這是罪過 about how it was a sin
說湯姆應該早點告訴他們 and that Tom should have told them sooner
這樣就可以帶他接受治療 so he could have gotten medical help.
他父親對他說了一些很難聽的話 His dad said a lot of hateful things towards him
他怪謝恩把他兒子變成了同性戀 and blamed Shane for making him gay.
"都是謝恩的錯 他讓你變成了同性戀" "It's Shane's fault. Shane turned you gay.
"在洛杉磯生活讓你變成了同性戀" Being in L.A. Turned you gay."
"你所有的成就都變得一文不值" "All of your accomplishments so far mean nothing now."
他們說 "你得改變想法 你必須改變想法" They said, "Change your mind. You have to change your mind."
湯姆一直說不 And Tom said that he just kept saying no --
他說 "我改變不了" Like, you know, "I can't change my mind.
"這是沒法改變的事" It's not a mind-change thing."
湯姆打電話給我 Tom called me.
說他父親拿槍指著他 He told me that his dad pulled a shotgun on him.
當時我非常害怕 And at that point, I was really scared.
我倆通電話的時候 So, while Tom and I were on the phone,
他父親諾曼把門從門框上扯了下來 His dad, Norman, literally ripped the door off the hinges.
他母親拿起電話對我說 And his mom got on the phone, and she said to me,
"聽著 你個狗娘養的" "Listen here, fucker --
"我不知道你對我兒子做了什么" I don't know what you did to our son,
"但我們會去洛杉磯 把你揪出來" but we're gonna come to L.A., and we're gonna find you."
我記得他父親說的原話是 I think the phrase his dad used was,
他要去加州把他的腸子扯出來 He was gonna come out to California and gut him.
我以前總有這樣的幻想 I used to always have this fantasy
我和湯姆去印第安納過圣誕節 of Tom and I going to Indiana for Christmas
湯姆的家庭錄像
一同進入夢鄉 and just, you know, going to bed
然后在圣誕節早晨醒來 and waking up on Christmas morning,
大家聚在客廳里 all of us going out to the living room --
客廳里有棵圣誕樹 You know, there's the tree,
我和湯姆跟他家人坐在一起 and Tom and I just sitting there with his family,
一起拆開禮物 opening presents together,
我會說一些我覺得有趣的事情 and me just saying something that I think's funny,
放眼望去 湯姆的父母在開懷大笑 and I look over, and Tom's parents are laughing.
我知道這想法很蠢 但是... It's stupid, but it's just...
如果真能夢想成真 It would be like an incredible thing
那該多好啊 if something like that happened.
警察趕到家里的時候 When the police showed up at the house,
湯姆的父親不屑一顧地說 Tom's dad just kind of pooh-poohed it off, and he said,
"你知道那些加州小孩是什么德性" "Ah, you know how these California kids are."
之后兩天的電話 Those phone calls for those next two days,
直到湯姆離開那之前 真的是... until Tom got out of there, were just...
這兩個孩子都讓我心疼極了 My heart just broke for both of those boys.
真是太可怕 太讓人難過了 It was just so scary and so sad.
第二天一早 So, that next morning,
湯姆的父母在廚房里 Tom's parents were in the kitchen
桌子上放著一本圣經 with a bible on the table.
他們大聲誦讀里面的篇章 Out loud, they were saying the verses,
圣經說教開始了 他們正在找對應的篇章
像是在為昨天發生的事找理由 almost, in a way, just to justify that, the day before,
我為他們祈禱 湯姆 真心的
他們打了他們的兒子 只因為他是同性戀 they beat up their son because he was gay.
他說 "我真不敢相信" He's like, "I can't believe this.
糟透了... 我不小心咬了我媽
"我竟然被打了 他們還說" "I just got attacked and told
"我應該把我是同性戀這件事" "that I should have taken the fact that I'm gay
"帶進墳墓里" to the grave."
我父親從未如此害怕我 我看見他眼里的恐懼 我差點殺了他
情況很糟糕 It was just an awful situation,
于是湯姆盡快離開了 and Tom, you know, got out of there as soon as he could
飛回了加利福尼亞 and flew back to California.
最后瑪莎還是來了加州 So, eventually, Martha made her way out to California,
我非常非常緊張 and I was really, really nervous.
這是自那次糟糕的經歷后 This was like the first time that I was going to see Martha
我第一次見到瑪莎 since that, you know, horrible experience.
我覺得瑪莎之所以來這 I think Martha came here
是因為她不想失去她的兒子 because she did not want to lose her son.
所以她必須接受謝恩 So she had to embrace Shane
表現出她似乎接受了這段感情 and act like she accepted the relationship.
開始有點尷尬 It was a little awkward for awhile.
但漸漸地 我們熟起來了 But, eventually, you know, we warmed up to each other.
我們一起去吃晚餐 We would go to dinner.
湯姆跟她一起歇斯底里地笑 Tom and her would laugh, like, hysterically.
他倆在一起時 When they get together,
就像兩個小老太太 it's like two little, old ladies.
盡管她沒有明說 And although she didn't say, like, you know,
"謝恩 對不起" 或是 "湯姆 對不起" "Shane, I'm sorry," or, "Tom, I'm sorry
"我們之前不該那么對你" for how we handled everything,"
對我們來說 她是在用自己的方式 To us, it was like this is her way
表示她接受我們了 of showing that she's accepting us.
她不僅愛她兒子 她真的愛死他兒子了 It wasn't that she loved her son -- she loved her son.
她會不惜一切代價接近他 And whatever it took to be near him, she did.
哪怕去耕地她都愿意 If she had to push a plow, she would,
只要能接近她的兒子 just to be near her son.
這張照片是他們去格勞曼劇院的時候拍的 She has this picture where they went to Grauman theatre
當時還看了埃爾維斯的手印 and saw Elvis' handprints.
她說那是她一生中最快樂的日子 She said that was the happiest day of her life.
我覺得她很享受在加州的生活 I think she truly enjoyed coming out to California.
然后她回到印第安納之后 And then she would get back to Indiana,
又基本上全盤否定湯姆在這的生活 and, basically, wouldn't acknowledge Tom's life here.
進展就像嬰兒學步一樣緩慢 And, you know, again, it was kind of like just baby steps.
幾次之后 Truly, after like a few times,
我們覺得她接受了我們 we felt like she was okay with us
她為我們高興 and she was happy for us.
她還堅持讓我和湯姆睡臥室 She even insisted on Tom and me taking the bedroom
她和我們的狗一起睡沙發 while she stayed on the sofa with our dog.
湯姆的聲音
賈斯汀 你怎么能這樣 Justin. I can't believe you.
看著我 Look at me.
你怎么忍心 How could you...
留我獨守空閨 leave me all alone?
好吧 我想你 可你只想和她待在一起 Okay, I miss you, and you just want to stay with her.
你這個叛徒 You're such a traitor.
沒錯 低頭懺悔去吧 Yeah. You put that head down.
湯姆很喜歡他的狗 Tom was obsessed with his dog.
總是給它拍照片 Tom was always, always taking pictures of him.
就像是他的親生寶寶 It was like someone with, like, a newborn baby.
它被遺棄在好萊塢的一輛車底下 He was actually found abandoned under a car in Hollywood.
你好啊 拿破侖 最近過得好嗎 Hi, Napoleon. How are you?
它有一套圣誕老人的衣服 He had a Santa Claus outfit,
還有些其他稀奇古怪的服飾 and he had some other crazy outfit.
我就想 "天吶" And I thought, "Oh, my god.
"這不會是兩個同性戀人" "This is not gonna be two gay boys
"和他們的基情小狗吧" with their gay, little dog, is it?"
果不其然 很快Facebook上 And sure enough -- pretty quick, on Facebook,
湯姆就上傳了 Tom was taking pictures
賈斯汀·鮑比身著小雨衣的照片 of Justin Bobby in his little rain gear.
我當時想 "我的天 你們這兩個家伙" And I thought, "Oh, my God. You guys, come on.
"別鬧了" You got to quit that."
除了結婚和組建家庭之外 Another dream that Tom and I had,
我和湯姆還有一個夢想 aside from wanting to be married and have a family,
那就是一起環游世界 was we wanted to travel the world together.
我們的目標是游遍世界各大奇觀 And our goal was to hit all the wonders of the world.
湯姆去世之前 我們去成了四個 And we managed to make it to four before Tom died.
?沿著尼羅河畔看金字塔 ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile
?在熱帶島嶼上看日出 ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
他們很享受生活 They enjoyed living.
他們一起旅行時 讓我驚訝的是 When they traveled together, that's what would just amaze me,
?親愛的你要記得 ♪ Just remember darling all the while
他們去過埃及 秘魯 倫敦和巴黎 where they went to Egypt and to Peru and London and Paris.
?你是我的專屬 ♪ You belong to me
湯姆和謝恩之所以能負擔得起這些旅行 The way Tom and Shane were able to afford these trips is
首先是因為他們很節儉 they're, first of all, very frugal,
謝恩在我們這干活 and not only did Shane work the job that he did for us,
?在老城集市中游蕩 ♪ See the market place in old Algier
而湯姆也會打些零工 Tom would work, you know, get extra jobs
?為我寄來照片和紀念品 ♪ Send me photographs and souvenirs
拍攝廣告之類的 doing commercials or whatever
因此他們可以去那些地方旅行 so they could travel to all these places.
他們坐的不是頭等艙 And they didn't go first class.
?墜入夢鄉時你要記得 ♪ Just remember when a dream appears
而是像學生一樣旅游 They would travel like they were students.
我記得他們第一次旅行是去埃及 The first trip I remember them taking was to Egypt,
?你是我的專屬 ♪ You belong to me
沿尼羅河而下 down the Nile.
但那并不是我會選擇的旅行方式 But it wasn't the kind of trip that I would have gone on.
?沒有你我是如此孤單 ♪ I'd be so alone without you
他們睡在用屏風隔開的甲板上 They slept on the deck with canvas dividers,
蓋著毯子 covered in blankets,
湯姆還得了肺炎 and Tom caught pneumonia,
但他們真的度過了一段美好時光 but they had one heck of a good time.
?或許你也會孤單沮喪 ♪ Maybe you'd be lonesome too and blue
?在回家之前你要記得 ♪ Just remember till you're home again
?你是我的專屬 ♪ You belong to me
我和湯姆進展到 Tom and I reached a point where
他準備跟我回蒙大拿州的階段 we were ready for him to come to Montana.
我總跟他說蒙大拿州有多美 You know, I kept talking about how beautiful Montana is.
但對于我來說 更激動的是 But for me, it was more about -- you know, I was just excited
他終于要見我家人了 for him to finally meet my entire family.
我的父親 干了一輩子伐木工 My dad, all his life, was a logger.
他會開同性戀的玩笑 I mean, he told gay jokes --
不是那種可以跟他坐下來說 not the type of person that you could sit down and be like,
"喂 你兒子是同性戀"之后 "Hey, your son's gay,"
他還能坦然接受的那種人 and he would take it easily.
第一次見到湯姆時 The first time I ever met Tom,
我剛從鎮上回來 I had just been to town,
看到我女兒的車停在車道上 and I had seen my daughter's car in the driveway.
謝恩和湯姆趕緊躲進了柜子 So Shane and Tom jumped in the closet to hide,
杰西 謝恩的姐姐
我爸走進來時 and then my dad walks in,
他倆就一起跳出來大喊 "想不到吧" and they both jump out of the closet like, "Surprise!"
結果是我的兒子和他的伴侶 And here's my boy, and here's his partner.
他們成功了 我確實沒想到 And it worked -- they surprised me.
我們都覺得這真是太搞笑了 And we just thought it was funnier than hell that they did that,
因為他們真是從柜子里跳出來"出柜"的 because it's like they came out of the closet at my dad's house.
湯姆知道我有大男子主義 Tom, he knew I was a macho-type guy,
我可能會有大男子主義的保守觀念 and maybe that I was gonna have the macho-type conservatism
認為我不會接納他 that wouldn't accept him,
你能夠看得出他為此花的心思 and you could just see he tried all the time around me.
我很感激他做的努力 And I appreciated that -- him trying,
努力讓自己變得討喜 him trying to be likeable.
喜歡上湯姆是件很容易的事 It was easy to like Tom.
他是一個很棒的小伙子 He was a great guy.
湯姆很有魅力 Tom was a pistol.
他是個很有趣的人 He was so much fun to be around.
我見過他逗謝恩大笑 I saw that he made Shane laugh.
那種快樂是你在 It's the type of happiness you have
遇到靈魂伴侶后才會有的 when you meet your soul mate.
這讓我之前的擔心云消霧散 And that made all my worries just disappear.
湯姆跟我回亞利桑那州看望我的祖父母 So, Tom and I went to Arizona to visit my grandparents.
謝恩非常開心 Shane was so happy.
這是他長大之后 It was the happiest that I'd ever seen him,
我見他最開心的一次 since he was a little kid on up.
我的曾祖母帕特也在 And my Great-grandma Pat was there.
沒人告訴她我跟湯姆是情侶 And no one told Grandma Pat that Tom and I were a couple.
她說 "很高興見到你啊" She was like, "Oh, nice to meet you."
之后 我聽到她在另一間房里 And then, later, I heard her in the other room
問我的祖母朱迪 "那人是誰啊" ask my Grandma Judy like, "So, who was that guy?"
我不知道謝恩是同性戀 Well, I never knew Shane was gay,
但當我見到他伴侶時 but I met his partner,
我覺得他是個不錯的小伙子 and he was a very nice guy,
大家都很喜歡他 我覺得沒什么 and we all liked him and went along fine with it.
湯姆迷上帕特祖母是有原因的 Tom was fascinated with Grandma Pat for a few reasons.
每一年 她都會記錄自己殺了多少條蛇 You know, every year, she keeps track of how many snakes she kills.
我總是跟蛇過不去 Well, I'm always after a snake --
我不希望它們出現在附近 I don't want them around.
你每年春天最多能殺多少條蛇來著 I mean, you killed up to how many in a spring -- every spring?
能有40條甚至更多 Oh, I killed up to 40 or better.
有一次我和湯姆陪兩個祖母去散步 After Tom and I went for a walk with both of my grandmas,
在回家的路上 when we were coming back into the house,
帕特祖母摟著湯姆 Grandma Pat like put her arm around Tom.
她說 "歡迎加入這個大家庭" She was like, "Welcome to the family."
她已經九十歲了 She's 90 years old,
但仍然能接納了我們的關系 and, you know, she's accepting our relationship.
對他們品頭論足的那些人 People that talk about them,
他們對此一知半解 they don't understand a lot of it.
他們認為 如果他倆去教堂 And they think that, if they go to church and everything,
上帝自會懲罰他們 that God will take care of it --
就像懲罰其他同性戀一樣 They can be just like all the rest of the guys.
所以你沒法說服他們 And so you can't get through to them.
說實話 那些話我都聽膩了 To tell you the truth, I'm tired of hearing about it --
他們的確不是羅密歐與茱麗葉 So they're not Romeo and Juliet.
沒錯 他們是羅密歐與羅密歐 That's right -- they're Romeo and Romeo.
多大事啊 Get over it.
我不喜歡在公共場合表露自己的情感 I did not like to show any public display of affection --
即便是坐在飛機上 Whether it would be us on a plane flying somewhere,
我們想親熱時 and we wanted to be affectionate,
會用大衣或是毯子遮住手臂 we would actually take a coat or a blanket and cover our arms,
然后在毯子下緊握雙手 and like hold hands under the blanket.
不要太明顯啦
我認為謝恩很在意他們所處的場合 I think that Shane was very conscious of where they were
不想讓別人感到不舒服 and not making other people uncomfortable.
我從不會當著朋友或其他人的面 I never really wanted to say, "I love you"
說"我愛你" in front of friends or anyone.
所以我倆就發明了個小暗號 So we developed this little code --
無論在晚宴或是派對上 Whether we're at like a dinner or a party,
其中一人會設法敲三下桌子 one of us would find a way just to tap the table three times
以此代替"我愛你" just to say, "I love you."
因此 這個聲音對我倆來說很特殊 So, that became a very special sound for both of us.
湯姆熱情洋溢 Tom was just so passionate,
他的滿腔愛意 and he was so affectionate
在一定程度上慢慢瓦解了謝恩的心理障礙 that it sort of brought Shane out of his shell a little bit,
柯琳 朋友
使他在大庭廣眾之下 as far as, you know, being out in public
不會因此而感到羞愧或難堪 and not being ashamed or embarrassed that,
敢于大聲喊出 "沒錯 這是我的伴侶 我們是同性戀" you know, "Yeah, this is my partner, and we're gay."
"那又如何" "So what?"
謝恩的視頻日記
有一次 我們在巴黎 Once, we were in Paris,
我們站在埃菲爾鐵塔前 and we were in front of the Eiffel Tower,
我突然想 "去他媽的" I just decided like, "Screw it --
"我就要偷偷親他一下" 我真這么做了 I'm just gonna sneak in a kiss," and I did.
湯姆的表情像是在說 "剛才發生了什么" Tom's face -- he was just like, "What just happened?"
他非常激動 He was so excited.
但親完之后我倆的第一個反應是 But then the first thing we did after the kiss,
"有被人看到嗎" 四處張望 we like looked around, like, "Did anyone see us?"
但我很高興這么做 But I'm so happy that I did that
因為他欣喜若狂 'cause he was just thrilled.
湯姆想和謝恩結婚 Tom wanted to marry Shane,
但他想要真正合法的婚姻 but he wanted it to be legal.
而不是所謂"原則上合法"的說辭 He wasn't gonna settle for a technicality,
或是"現在還算合法 但明天就說不準了" or an, "Oh, it happens to be legal right this minute,
這種自欺欺人的態度 but tomorrow it could not be."
他是那種有擔當的男人 He was the kind of man that just stood up for things,
我覺得在他的內心深處 and I think part of it
他是想向家里所有人表態 was like he wanted to show everyone back home that,
"我是認真的 這就是我" "I'm serious. This is me."
圣誕快樂 愛你直到海枯石爛 愛你的湯姆
他買了個戒指作為我的圣誕禮物 He bought me a ring for Christmas,
我們曾約定不在對方身上花錢 and we had agreed to not spend any money on each other.
他對我說 "謝恩肯定會生我氣的" He would tell me, "But Shane's gonna get mad,
"我們是有預算的" "because we have a budget,
"但我真的很想送個給他" "but I just want to get it for him so bad."
我打開包裝 是個戒指 And I opened it, and it was a ring
還有一張紙條 上面寫著 with a note in it that said,
"2011年將會永遠改變我們的生活" "2011 will change our lives forever.
謝謝你給我的愛 若不是你我早已迷失自己 我有預感 2011年將會永遠改變我們的生活 愛你到海枯石爛 湯姆
"愛你的湯姆" Love, Tom."
我曾幻想過他們結婚時的場景 I had the image of their wedding played out in my head.
我知道這一天遲早會到來 I knew it was gonna happen someday.
毋庸置疑的是 There was no question
他們想要和對方共度余生 that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together
并組建家庭 and have a family.
這正是他所渴求的 That was something he wanted so bad.
他過去常說 He used to say,
"我好想要個小湯姆跑來跑去" "You know, I'd love to have a little Thomas running around."
我在思考謝恩和湯姆的故事時 And I guess one of the saddest parts,
我覺得最令人傷心的部分是 when I really think about Shane and Tom, is the fact that,
他們基本上實現了"美國夢" essentially, they were living the American dream,
除了他們沒法結婚這條 with the exception of being able to get married to each other.
當然很多人會提到"同居伴侶"這個概念 Well, everyone, like, brings up domestic partnership,
這在某種程度上挺令我氣憤的 and it angers me in a way,
因為任何小姑娘都不會坐在自己的房間里 because no little girl is sitting in her room
幻想著說 and saying that,
"我等不及想要個同居伴侶" "I can't wait to have a domestic partnership.
"我等不及在同居期間穿上婚紗" "I can't wait to wear a white dress during my domestic partnership."
這不是大家夢想中的事情 That's not something that people dream about.
大家夢想的是結婚 They dream about getting married.
而他們卻沒法結婚 And they weren't allowed to do that.
即使現在同性婚姻合法了 And if it is ever legal,
他倆也無法步入婚姻殿堂 they'll never be able to experience it,
因為他已經不在了 because he's not here anymore.
我很慶幸在湯姆去世前的那周三見過他一面 I was lucky to see Tom the Wednesday before he died.
?慢慢靠近邊緣 ♪ Getting closer to the edge
?我若墜落 會否有人將我接住 ♪ if I fall, will someone catch me
然后我們聊起了謝恩 And we talked about, you know, Shane,
他說 "我懂得了什么才是真正的愛情" and he said, "I learned what love really is.
"我小時候腦子里只是有這樣一個想法" I used to have this idea in my head when I was young,
"而現在同謝恩在一起" and being with Shane, I've learned
"我從生活的點點滴滴中體會到了真愛" what it really looks like on a daily basis,
"這比我想象中還要豐富許多" and it's so much more than I ever thought possible."
這首歌的名字叫做《我若墜落》 That's what the song's called -- "If I fall."
?縱使我墜落 ♪ Even if I fall
-謝謝 謝謝 -不用客氣 - Thank you for that. - You're very welcome.
好吧 那就這樣 All right. So, there you go.
《我若墜落》 "If I fall",
我們都同意這個歌名 好吧 are we agreeing that's what we're gonna call the song? All right.
2011年5月7日
現在令我不安的是 那天早上我們吵了一架 The thing that haunts me now is we had a fight that morning.
我真是服了你了
我們必須說清楚 不能總粘在一起
本來我們是要和我們的朋友艾麗克斯出去玩的 Originally, we were supposed to hang out with our friend Alex,
然后一起照些照片 and go take photographs together.
我等了好久才盼來今天 我很生氣
我們爭執過后 And after our little argument,
我決定留在家里 I decided that I would just stay home.
我和湯姆決定在工作室見面 Tom and I decided to meet at the studio.
我們商量了好久 And we kept going back and forth.
然后他說 "我們去你家吧" And he was like, "Let's go to your place.
"我突然想起了你家廚房的燦爛陽光" "I just remember the sunlight in the kitchen.
"我現在需要那樣的陽光" I need some of that sunlight now."
我說 "沒問題" And I was like, "Okay."
他說 "不 我想為你做些事情" He was like, "No, I want to do something good for you.
"我們去拍照吧 這會讓心情好起來的" Let's do a photo shoot. It'll turn this day around."
我剛開始跟一個男生約會 So, I had just started dating this man,
那天是他的生日 可我沒去陪他 and it was his birthday, and I wasn't with him,
湯姆說 "我就是想讓他吃醋" so Tom was like, "I want to make him jealous,
"我們把你的照片發到Facebook上去" so let's put pictures of you on facebook."
他一直在喊 "來拍嘛 來拍嘛" And he was the one that was like, "Let's do it. Let's do it."
"我可以給你做發型嗎" "Hey, can I do your hair?"
我說 "好吧" I was like, "Um, okay."
然后我往胸罩里塞滿了襪子 And I have, you know, my brassiere filled with socks,
因為... 我并沒那么豐滿 'cause, you know, there's just not much there.
湯姆 我愛你勝過一切 真的
湯姆一整天都在跟我發信息 So, Tom and I were texting throughout the day.
我愛你 謝恩
我們最終和好了 And we eventually made up.
我們根本沒討論去不去屋頂 It wasn't even a discussion whether or not to go to the roof,
因為我們經常到屋頂上去 because we always went to the roof.
我們在短信里說深愛著對方 And we told each other that we love each other.
我很欣慰我們和好了 And I'm so thankful that we did,
因為這已成了我永恒的回憶 'cause I have that forever now.
我們去屋頂的時候 And so, by the time we get up to the roof,
湯姆拿著他的照相機 Tom has his camera.
他準備就緒了 He's all ready.
我們差不多上去過50多次 We'd all been up there like 50 times,
但每次我都很害怕 and every time, I'm just paranoid.
因為護欄其實不高 'cause it's not like a tall wall.
是很矮的那種 It's a short wall.
他就拿著相機各種拍 He was just playing around with the camera,
我知道他同時也在給謝恩發信息 and, meanwhile, I know that he had just been texting to Shane.
不要靠近邊緣
我告訴他別跑到邊上去 I told him to stay away from the edge,
我可不是開玩笑 湯姆
因為我們都知道他是個笨手笨腳的人 'cause we all know that he's a klutz.
他回復我說 And he even wrote back.
"哈哈 我不會的" 好像我在跟他開玩笑 He was like, "Ha-ha! I will" Like, I was joking.
我說 "湯姆 我是認真的" And I said, "Tom, I'm serious.
"別跑到邊上去" Like, stay away from the edge."
他照了幾張照片 So, he takes a bunch of pictures.
我盡量表現得風騷 I'm trying to be as slutty --
不是性感 因為確實不性感 You know, not sexy, 'cause it wasn't sexy.
我在屋頂的一個角落 然后我們換了位置 I'm in one corner, and then we suddenly switch.
他說 "我拍到了 我拍到了" And he's like, " I've got it! I've got it!"
然后他往后退了三四步 So, he takes like three or four steps back.
湯姆為艾麗克斯拍的最后一張照片
誰都想不到他會掉下去 I don't think it registered that he was gonna fall.
他當時看起來像這樣 而我則是這樣 He was like, "Ha-ha!" And I was like, "Ohh."
然后我看著他 You know, and I looked at him,
當時的感覺就是 "天吶" And it was like we both thought, "Oh, no.
"謝恩會氣死的" Shane's gonna be so mad."
好像他知道了我們離邊緣這么近一樣 You know, just like if he knew that we were that close.
之后 便是一場噩夢的開始 And then, after that, it was a nightmare.
我甚至沒去邊上往下看 I didn't even go look over the edge.
我把鞋子一扔 跑下樓去 I just, like, threw my shoes on, ran downstairs.
我的手機在后兜里 I had my phone in my back pocket,
我撥了911 但什么都聽不到 And I dialed 911, but I couldn't hear.
所以我就把手機給了走廊里的人 So I just gave it to somebody out in the hallway,
因為大家聽到他墜樓的動靜 'cause people heard him.
我收到艾麗克斯的短信說湯姆掉下去了 I received a text from Alex to tell me that Tom had fallen.
湯姆掉下去了
我以為這是個玩笑 "這不可能是真的" And I thought it was a joke -- "There's no way this is real."
所以我回復她說 "這一點也不好笑" So I texted her back, and I said, "That's not funny."
湯姆掉下去了
說真的 別亂開玩笑
之后我沒再收到她的回復 And then I didn't hear back from her.
湯姆掉下去了
說真的 別亂開玩笑
于是我打了湯姆的手機 And so then I called Tom's phone,
但沒人接 and no one picked up.
就在那時 我開始著急了 So at that moment is when my heart just started racing.
我跑到樓下的時候 他趴在地上 By the time I got there, he's on, you know, his stomach.
我撫摸著他的背 And I'm rubbing his back.
我說 "沒事的 湯米 沒事的" And I'm saying, "It's okay, Tommy. It's okay, Tommy."
而我穿的像個妓女 Meanwhile, I look like a total hooker.
救護車過了好久才到 But it takes forever for the ambulance to get there.
差不多過了有25分鐘吧 I want to say 25 minutes later.
他們問我 "你有他的身份證件嗎" They were like, "Do you have his I.D.?
"你有他的身份證件嗎" Do you have his I.D.?"
我說 "身份證有那么重要嗎" And I was like, "What the fuck does it matter?!
"趕緊把他抬上救護車呀" Just get him on the ambulance!"
我趕到急診室 So, I got to the E.R.,
他們把我帶到艾麗克斯的房間 and they took me into a room where Alex was,
她情緒很激動 and she was hysterical.
我一看到謝恩 And when I first saw Shane,
我說 "要是墜樓的是我就好了" I said, "I wish it were me."
我說 "因為你們擁有彼此" I said, "Because you two have each other,
"你倆愛得那么死去活來" "and the love you have is so strong,
"我真希望掉下去的是我" I wish it had been me who fell over."
我問她 "現在是什么狀況" I asked her, you know, "Well, what's happening?
"他們還在搶救嗎" 我完全不知情 are they working on him?" I didn't know anything.
她也一無所知 And she didn't know anything.
我們抱在一起 說愛著對方 We hugged, you know, and we said we loved each other.
我仍抱有希望 覺得他會沒事的 And I was still hanging on to hope that he was okay.
我試著給謝恩打電話 I tried calling Shane,
但總聯系不上他 and I couldn't get through to him.
后來 他終于給我回了電話 And, finally, he calls me back.
他說 "媽 湯姆去拍照" He said, "Mom, Tom was doing a photo shoot,
"從屋頂上墜樓了" and he fell off the roof."
我說 "天吶" And I just -- "Oh, my god."
我說 "親愛的 要一直祈禱" I said, "Honey, just keep on praying.
"他會沒事的 咱們都會為他祈禱的" He'll be fine. You know, we'll get the prayers going here."
我收到謝恩的短信說 I got a text message from Shane saying,
"米凱拉 求你快祈禱 湯姆受傷了" "Michaela, please pray -- Tom's hurt."
我立刻跪在地上 開始祈禱 And I immediately got down and started praying.
過了一會兒 他打給我 So, a little bit later, he calls me,
他說 "媽 他們不讓我進去看他" and he says, "Mom, they won't let me in to see him."
我問 "怎么會這樣" And I said, "Well, how come?"
他們說 "因為我不是他的家屬" And they said, "Because I'm not family."
我說 "天吶 謝恩" And I just -- "Oh, my God, Shane."
于是我打給了湯姆的母親 So, I called Tom's mom.
那時印第安納州已是深夜 And it's, you know, late at night in Indiana.
她一開口便問道 And, you know, the first thing she says was,
"他喝了多少酒 謝恩" "Well, how much was he drinking, Shane?"
我能聽到他爸在后面說 And then his dad, in the background, was saying,
"他跑到屋頂上去做什么" "Well, what the hell was he doing on the roof?"
隨后 我就把電話給了 And I just, from that point forward, I made sure
在場的醫護人員 讓他們說了情況 to let the nursing staff or the doctors speak to her and to him.
等了差不多一小時之后 And it had been probably about an hour later,
醫生來到我們的房間 the doctor came into the room,
我立馬就知道了 and, like, I just, I knew.
我知道他要說些什么 Like, I knew what he was gonna say.
當他開始講話的時候 And when he was talking,
我跟本什么都沒聽進去 like, it wasn't registering in my head.
好像左耳進右耳出 Like, I wasn't processing what he said.
他說他沒挺過來 He just said he didn't make it.
真的非常... And it was very, you know...
我們都失聲痛哭 And we all just lost it.
我必須離開那個房間 因為我真得聽不下去 I had to just leave the room because I couldn't hear it.
艾麗克斯一直在哭 她不停地做這個動作 Alex was crying, and she was continually doing this --
我想她受了很大的打擊 I think because she was just so traumatized.
艾麗克斯的媽媽不停的說 "天吶" And Alex's Mom was saying, "Oh, my god."
"天吶" "Oh, my god."
或是 "他可憐的媽媽" And sometimes she would say, "Oh, his mother."
因為第二天就是母親節 'Cause Mother's Day was the next day.
于是我走出房間 So, I went outside.
給我媽打了電話 I called my mom, and...
我說 "媽 他走了" And I was like, "Mom, he died."
她說 "我很遺憾 謝恩" And, you know, she just said, "I'm so sorry, Shane.
"真的很遺憾" I'm so sorry."
他一直在哭 我也在哭 And he was just crying, and I'm crying.
但再一次 你卻在2400公里之外 And, you know, here you are, again, 1,500 miles away,
無法陪著自己的孩子 and you can't be there for your child.
我接到了他的電話 I got ahold of him,
說湯姆在醫院里去世了 and Tom had just died in the hospital, and...
我永遠不想再回憶這個時刻 I don't know. It's not a moment I want to ever go through again.
沒有什么比這更痛苦 The worst pain I have ever felt in my heart.
我的腦子一片空白 Like, I just sunk.
我說 "你他媽開玩笑吧" I just said, "Are you fucking kidding me?
"真的嗎" 我說 "真的嗎 誰會這樣死掉" Seriously?" I said, "Seriously, who dies like that?"
我以為在他斷氣的瞬間 I figured Shane was probably there when he passed,
謝恩會陪在他床邊 緊握他的手 by his bed, holding his hand.
他卻說沒有 And he said no.
于是我沖向護士站 我說 So, I went to the nurse's station, and I said,
"我朋友的男朋友在這" "You know, my friend's boyfriend is here.
"他剛剛去世 能讓他們見最后一面嗎" He just passed away. Can you take him back?"
她卻說 "在他父母來這之前" And she said, "We can't allow non-family members to see him
"所有非親屬都不能見他" until his parents arrive."
于是我一直和護士爭論 So I kept trying to argue with this nurse.
那位女士說 "親愛的 我理解你的心情" And the lady was like, "I understand, honey, I do.
"但這有違醫院規定" But it's against the hospital rules.
"他不是他的家屬" 我說 "他就是他的家屬" He's not his family." I said, "But he is his family.
"他們擁有一棟房子 擁有共同的事業" They have a house together. They have a business together.
"他們還有一條狗" They have a dog together.
"他們在一起六年了" They've been together for six years."
最后 我們坐在一個房間里 Finally, we were sitting a the room,
一位護士打開房門 and this one nurse opened the door,
她問 "謝恩在這嗎" and she said, "Is Shane in here?"
于是我們走出房間 And so we went outside,
她拿著湯姆的駕駛證 and she was holding Tom's license,
她說 "天吶 他真是個帥小伙" And she said, "Man, he was a good-looking guy. Geez.
"所有護士都在談論他是多么的帥氣" And all the nurses back here are talking about how handsome he was,
"我們剛才在努力讓他恢復..." and we've been working back here to try to kind of...
"恢復成你記憶中的樣子" make him look the way that you remember him.
"跟我來 我們帶你去見他" Come with me. We're gonna take you back."
我想 護士們最終弄明白了 I think, at the end of the day, the nurses knew,
無論是同性戀 you know, it's not a gay thing.
還是異性戀 It's not a straight thing.
不變的是愛情 It's a human thing.
但那些護士給謝恩的 But it was definitely a gift, I think,
絕對是上天的恩賜 that those women gave to Shane.
于是我們來到了他病房 So, they walked back to his room.
他渾身插滿了管子 There was tubes all over his body,
管子直接插進他的胸部 tubes coming out of his chest.
他的臉被蓋了起來 但你仍能看到 His face was covered, but you could see that
他的臉上滿是血跡 there, you know, had been blood, like, all around his face.
我感覺這不是真的 And it didn't really seem like this was happening.
我在旁邊站了一會兒 I just stood there for a while.
不知道該做什么 I didn't know what to do.
他全身上下我唯一能碰的地方 But the only place that I could put my hand
就是他的腿 was like on his leg.
于是最后一次 我在他腿上敲了三下 And I did, you know, one final "Tap, tap, tap."
?今晨醒來 ♪ I woke up this morning
?驚聞噩耗 ♪ And I heard the news
?心碎滋味 五味雜陳 ♪ I know the pain of a heartbreak
?我心迷茫 ♪ I don't have answers
?你也一樣 ♪ And neither do you
?心碎滋味 五味雜陳 ♪ I know the pain of a heartbreak
?人死難復生 ♪ This isn't easy
?痛苦亦迷茫 ♪ This isn't clear
?心碎已至此 ♪ And you don't need Jesus
?上蒼難回天 ♪ Till you're here
?一切迷茫及困惑 ♪ Oh, the confusion and the doubts you had
?至此皆逝 ♪ Up and walk away
?隨風飄逝 ♪ They walk awa-a-a-y
?心碎已至此 ♪ When a heart breaks
昨晚在洛斯費利茲區 A man fell to his death
意外墜亡
一名男士從四層高的公寓上 from a four-story apartment building
意外墜亡 in Los Feliz last night.
警方稱他當時在為一名女士拍照 Police say he was taking pictures of a woman.
警方排除了他殺可能 They don't suspect foul play,
稱之為令人心痛的意外 and are calling his death a tragic accident.
死者是一名演員兼電視主持人 He was an actor and TV host.
我想不起湯姆去世后的那段日子是怎么過的 The days after Tom passed away are kind of a blur.
我只想讓家人 There was nothing I wanted more
陪在我身邊 than just to have my family there with me.
盡管我的父母離婚了 And so it really meant a lot
但他們還是說 that my parents, although they're divorced,
"我們都會來陪你的" that they were able to just say,
這對我意義重大 "Look, like, we're gonna be there for you."
我的姐妹們也說要來 And my sisters were going to, as well.
我和我爸從艾麗克斯家里開回了湯姆的車 My dad and I, we went to go pick up Tom's car at Alex's place.
在回家的路上 And during the car ride home,
我們第一次討論了我是同性戀這件事 we talked about me being gay for the first time.
我想讓他知道 I wanted him to know,
盡管他出柜后我什么也沒說 even though I had never said anything since he'd come out,
但我全心全意地接受他 that I fully accepted him.
我們甚至討論了湯姆爸爸的感受 I think we even talked about how Tom's dad must feel,
因為湯姆的爸爸從未接受過湯姆 because Tom's dad never accepted Tom,
我想讓我兒子明白 我接受他 and I wanted it be known that I accepted my son.
這是有史以來第一次 For the first time ever,
我不介意告訴爸爸我是同性戀 I didn't care about telling my dad that I was gay.
我不介意向他坦白 I didn't care about acknowledging
我和湯姆在一起了 that Tom and I were in a relationship.
我感到無所畏懼 I just felt, like, fearless.
但這一切都沒有意義了 But it didn't matter anymore.
湯姆已經走了 And Tom was gone.
我去機場接了瑪莎 So, I picked Martha up from the airport,
我們回到了家里 and we went to our house.
她想談談銀行賬戶 She wanted to talk about bank accounts --
所有那些我不想提及的事 All these things that I did not want to talk about.
我記得她一直四處打量房間 I remember her looking around the rooms a lot.
我也不愿那樣去想 And I didn't really want to think that way.
但我覺得她只想翻看他的東西 I had the feeling that she just wanted to go through his stuff.
她想翻弄謝恩和湯姆的所有衣物 She wanted to go through all of Shane and Tom's clothes.
他讓她翻遍了所有抽屜 He let her go through all the drawers.
她甚至想帶走謝恩和湯姆共用的電腦 She tried to take the computers that were Shane and Tom's.
就好像謝恩不存在一樣 It was just like Shane didn't exist anymore.
謝恩一直很配合她 Shane was more than willing to work with her,
把她想要的湯姆的東西都給了她 give her anything she wanted of Tom's,
但這侵犯了他的隱私 but it started to invade his privacy,
而他對此毫不抱怨 and he wouldn't say anything.
瑪莎會就一些東西說三道四 Martha would make a comment about something,
而謝恩則收起了一切感情 and Shane would just stuff the emotions away,
就像小時候孩子們給他起外號時一樣 like back when kids would call him names.
我無權說任何話 I couldn't say anything, anyway.
我無權阻止她 I had no legal right to stop her.
湯姆的媽媽和我們一起 So, Tom's mom was waiting, along with us,
等著驗尸官移交他的遺體 for the coroner to release his body.
介于這次意外的情況 Due to the circumstances of the accident,
他的遺體必須進行尸檢 they had to do an autopsy.
我們開始討論起葬禮的事 We started talking about the funeral.
她說 不 我們都會被邀請參加 And she said that, no, we're all invited.
我們可以住在他們家 We could stay at their house.
作為家屬出席葬禮 You know, "Come as a family.
我們會一起舉行葬禮 We'll just do all this together."
她一直在說 "我要帶我的寶貝回家" She was very, you know, "I'm taking my baby home.
"你們都要來 我希望你們出席" You guys are all coming with. I want you to be there."
然而隨著一天天的等待 And then, as the days go on,
她不再談論葬禮的事 she pretty much quit talking about the funeral
不再提我們出席葬禮 and about us all going
與東部家鄉的親人一起悼念湯姆的事 and sharing Tom with everybody back east.
湯姆的母親待在另一個房間 Tom's mom was in the other room or even sometimes
甚至有時就坐在我旁邊策劃葬禮 right next to me making the funeral arrangements
卻不讓我參與其中 and planning it all out, and I was not a part of it.
好像我是空氣 是幽靈 It was like I wasn't there. It was like I was a ghost.
她是一位剛剛失去兒子的母親 She was a mother who'd just lost her son --
她那20多歲的兒子 her 20-something-year-old son --
除了悲傷 你不能指望她有其他的情緒 So there were no expectations other than grief.
但我沒想到她會傷害謝恩 But I didn't think that she was gonna hurt Shane.
我以為她愛謝恩 I thought that she loved Shane.
我覺得肯定有什么不對勁 The feeling I got was something was awry,
但沒人會指責她 but nobody could put their finger on it.
然后到了周四早上 And then, that Thursday morning,
瑪莎突然說 "我要離開了" Martha was like, "I got to go."
謝恩說 "我開車送你去機場" And Shane's like, "I'll drive you to the airport."
她說 "不 我坐出租車" She's like, "No, I'll get a taxi."
我告訴她 "我不會讓你坐出租車的" I told her, "I'm not gonna let you take a taxi."
我有一種預感 I kind of had a feeling
她知道一些我不知道的事情 that she knew something that I didn't know,
她知道湯姆的遺體隨時可以移交 that she knew that his body was gonna be released any moment.
她打包了湯姆的所有衣物 She was packing all Tom's clothes up
好讓其陪著他長眠于地下 that she was gonna bury him in,
而她準備給他遺體穿上的夾克 and the jacket that she wanted to put him in
則沒有放進行李箱 was not fitting in the suitcase.
謝恩說 "沒關系 瑪莎" And Shane's like, "It's okay, Martha.
"我到時候帶過去" 但她卻說 "不" I'll just bring it." And she was like, "No.
"絕對不行" Absolutely not."
現在回過頭看 So, maybe looking back now,
那可能就是要發生的事件的征兆 it could have been foreshadowing what could have happened,
她那時候就知道 that she knew then
她不會讓謝恩參加葬禮 that she wasn't gonna let Shane come to the funeral.
我把她送到目的地 擁抱了她 And I dropped her off, and we hugged.
請求她有什么情況及時通知我 And I asked her to please keep me updated
以便我知曉那邊的情況 so I know what's happening,
她答應我會那樣做 and she promised me that she would.
但是我再也沒有聽到她的消息 But I never heard from her again.
她很感激我們為她兒子做的一切 She was so grateful and so loving towards us
她對我們十分友善 for everything that we did for her son.
她一直哭 擁抱我們 拉著我們的手 She just was crying and hugging us and holding on to us
說什么"我希望成為你們生活的一部分" and, "I want to be a part of your life.
"我想常來拜訪" I want to come visit."
感覺我們和她建立了感情 It was like we were bonded with her.
到了第二天 她就不見了 And then, the next day, she was gone.
湯姆去世的第二天 我跟他媽媽通過話 I talked to Tom's mom the day after he died.
她說 "一旦葬禮定好時間" And she said, "I'll let you know
"我會及時通知你" as soon as I know when the funeral is gonna be
"好讓你能夠出席" so that you can be there."
之后就什么動靜也沒有了 Then, it was pretty much radio silence.
他們沒回電告訴我葬禮什么時候舉行 They never called me back to tell me when it was,
我很受傷 and I was very hurt.
我看到了報紙上的告示 I see the notice in the newspaper --
他去世后留下了父母諾曼和瑪莎 姐姐金和哥哥大衛 可通過殯儀館向此家庭捐贈
守靈是當天 葬禮是第二天 Wake is this day. Funeral is the next day.
我給湯姆家打電話確認 I called Tom's house to verify,
接電話的親戚說 and, you know, the relative who answered just said,
"如果報紙上這么說" "If that's what the paper says,
"那應該沒錯" then I would probably go by that."
之后我親自給 And I personally called back
他家鄉不同的太平間打電話 to different mortuaries in his hometown
試圖確認這一消息 to try to get information,
可沒人愿意告訴我們 and nobody would give us any information.
盡管我們再沒聽到瑪莎的回音 So, although I never heard from Martha,
我媽媽 艾麗克斯和我還是訂了機票 my mom and Alex and I, we all booked our plane tickets.
在中途停留時 During our layover,
我接到了湯姆親戚打來的電話 I received a phone call from one of Tom's relatives.
她告訴我 And she wanted to let me know
湯姆的葬禮不歡迎我 that I wasn't welcome to attend his funeral,
如果我出席 because, if I do show up,
湯姆的叔叔和父親將對我進行人身攻擊 his uncle and his father had planned an attack.
她想讓我知道 and she wanted me to know
為了我的人身安全 我不應該出席 that it's for my own safety that I don't go.
我就想 "難道他們要對他開槍嗎" All I could think of -- "Are they gonna shoot him?
"他們要殺了我的兒子嗎" Are they gonna kill my son?"
當我們到了印第安納州 When we got into Indiana,
湯姆的好友來接我們 one of Tom's best friends picked us up.
艾麗克斯的情緒有些激動 And Alex was hysterical.
離諾克斯市越近 她越抓狂 And the closer we got to Knox, the more hysterical she got.
她一直說"我已經失去了湯姆 我不想再失去你" And she was saying, "I lost tom. I don't want to lose you, also."
我害怕 I was terrified
他們會對謝恩開槍 that they were gonna come and pull out a gun on Shane.
我記得他[謝恩]說過不止一次 I remember him saying more than once,
"他們很傷心" "You know, they're in a lot of pain.
"傷心難過的不只是我" It's not just me that's going through this,"
幾乎是在為他們辯解 有點讓人受不了 and almost arguing for them, which was maddening.
我是說換了我 我會很生氣 I mean, I'd be angry --
會說些"你們不能這樣對我"之類的話 "You're not gonna do this to me."
但他沒有 他沒有如此回應 Nope. He didn't respond that way.
我們找了個秘密地點 商量出了對策 We had a secret location to come up with a plan about,
那就是不去打擾他們 you know, just kind of staying out of their way.
盡管我不能去教堂 And even though I couldn't be in the church,
我還是希望能盡可能的接近湯姆 Like, I still wanted to be as close as I could to Tom.
離他近一點 也算是一種寬慰 You know, just being near was somehow comforting.
當我知道 Once I realized
謝恩被拒絕參加葬禮 that Shane had been banned from attending the funeral,
我便意識到 I realized that's why
他們為何會對具體情況只字不提 they weren't telling anybody when things were.
他們不想讓任何消息走漏出去 They basically were keeping all the information close-hold
以阻止謝恩出席 so that Shane couldn't get there.
詞曲/演唱: 湯姆
?眨眼之間 ♪ In the blink of an eye
?瞬息萬變 ♪ Everything has changed
大概有800人出席 There were probably 800 people there.
其中有一半是為了悼念湯姆 Half of them were there to support Tom,
另一半是為了支持瑪莎 And the other half were there to support Martha.
?如果再給我一天生命 ♪ If I could have one more day
?我會與你一起度過 ♪ I'd spend it all with you
棺材在中間 The casket was in the middle.
上面蓋著柯爾沃毯子 And it was draped with a Culver blanket
還有一些他在柯爾沃取得的成就 and all of his culver accomplishments,
他媽媽戴著他的柯爾沃戒指 and his mom was wearing his culver ring.
我覺得這些能反映出這個家庭的情況 I think it was very reflective of the family
以及他們如何看待湯姆 那不是我認識的湯姆 and how they viewed Tom, and not the Tom that I knew.
當我起身走到瑪莎身邊時 When I got up to Martha,
我腦中所想就是 all I could think in my head was,
"為了謝恩 我得親吻棺材" "I have to kiss the casket for Shane."
我走到棺材旁邊 親吻了它 And I made my way over to the casket, and I kissed it,
低聲說道"謝恩愛你" and I whispered, you know, "Shane loves you."
葬禮上描述的湯姆 The funeral depicted Tom
基本上剔除了他去加州后的人生 up until the point where he left for California, basically.
發言人都是些湯姆童年時代的人 And the speakers were all from Tom's childhood.
他的鋼琴老師 You know, it was his piano teacher
以及柯爾沃的人 and people from Culver.
我從2000級送的花束中拿走了幾支花 I took the flowers from the bouquet that the class of 2000 sent,
將其風干 以便我能送給謝恩 and I dried them so I could give those to Shane.
我給他留了份葬禮流程單 And I saved him a program
因為他是湯姆此身的摯愛 because, you know, he is the love of Tom's life.
他值得擁有這些東西 He at least deserves that.
不幸的是 其中并有沒提及他 Unfortunately, he wasn't mentioned in it.
做了將近30年的親人 Families, for literally 30 years,
可以藏匿秘密 直到有人死去 can sweep that secret under the rug until someone dies,
你只得面對現實 and then you have to really face the music.
我認為湯姆的父母就是這樣 And I think that's what happened to Tom's parents.
他們有個很棒的孩子 They had this great child.
他聰明 有才華 有很多正能量 He was smart and talented -- lots of positive things.
但有一個積極的方面 But the one positive thing
他們不愿向親友吹捧的是 that they didn't want to brag to their friends about
湯姆有個出色的伴侶 is that Tom had an amazing partner,
他們因此感到羞恥 'cause they were ashamed.
所以他們所做的是 And so what they did
將其從歷史中抹去 is they literally erased it from the history books
該內容現在無法顯示
比如關閉他的Facebook賬戶 by shutting down his facebook page,
拒絕讓謝恩出席葬禮 by disinviting Shane to the funeral,
甚至在葬禮上對謝恩只字不提 to not even mentioning him there,
這大概是對一個人的記憶 which is the most insulting thing
最具侮辱性的舉動 anyone could ever do to a person's memory.
他們不是反對同性戀婚姻 They're not fighting against gay marriage.
他們不是反對有一個同性戀兒子 They're not fighting against having a gay son.
他們是在反對愛情 What they're fighting against is love,
誰會反對愛情 And who fights against love?
我們回來之后 When we came back,
我們決定自己辦悼念會紀念真正的湯姆 we decided to have our own memorial to celebrate who Tom was.
?今天 你走了 ♪Today you're gone
?今天 你離我而去 ♪Today, you left me
謝恩將他[湯姆]家人的照片也放了進去 Shane included pictures of his family
?前往天堂 ♪You left me for heaven
盡管他們沒有這樣對待他 even though they hadn't reciprocated.
謝恩拿出了 Shane had pictures there
湯姆媽媽爸爸 哥哥姐姐的照片 with Tom's mom and dad and brother and sister.
?我跪倒在地 ♪I'm on my knees
他請來了瓦薩的人 柯爾沃的人 He brought people from Vassar, brought people from Culver,
?哭泣 乞求 ♪Crying and begging
還有他在加州的朋友 and his friends in California.
?告訴我這只是夢一場 ♪Please let me be dreaming
大家都在 Everybody was there.
盡管我們大多數人 Even though a lot of us,
不是很熟悉 或幾乎不認識 maybe we weren't super close and barely know each other,
但他是我們共同的摯友 Somehow that same guy was all of our best friend.
?告訴我這只是個夢 ♪Please let me be dreaming
?年少而美麗的男孩 ♪Young, beautiful boy
我寫了《美麗的男孩》 I wrote "Beautiful boy"
?走向了金色大門 ♪Making his way up to the Golden doors
那句湯姆走向金色大門的歌詞 And the line about Tom making his way up to the golden doors
是給那些信奉基督原教旨主義的人的答案 as an answer to the fundamentalist christians out there
?時間不會抹去 ♪Time will not erase
他們認為同性戀上不了天堂 who may believe that gay people won't go to heaven.
?我們臉上為你留下的眼淚 ♪All of the tears streaming down our faces for you
對他們 我想說"不是吧" And to that, I would say, "Really?
"湯姆 唱詩班歌手 拿獎拿到手軟 標準的美國男孩" "Tom, the choir-singing, trophy-winning, all-american boy
?我們會想念你的 親愛的男孩 ♪We'll miss you baby boy
"他在MySpace上把上帝當作自己的英雄" "who listed god as his hero on his myspace page,
"他會下地獄?" really in hell?"
我不這么認為 I don't think so.
如果湯姆都上不了天堂 也沒什么人能上天堂了 If Tom didn't go to heaven, then nobody's going to heaven.
?記得 ♪Remembering...
如果你相信天使 If you believe in angels,
?你微笑的樣子 ♪The way your smile
湯姆很像一個長著人類外表的天使 Tom was as close to that as would ever come in a human form.
?讓我的世界一片光明 ♪Made my world alright
他心中毫無陰暗 He had no darkness in him whatsoever.
他是個超級積極向上的人 He was the ueber-positive one.
所以大家都很擔心謝恩會如何應對 So, everybody was really nervous about how Shane was gonna be,
在這個糟糕而創傷的經歷之后 you know, post this horrible, traumatic loss.
湯姆去世后我陪了謝恩大概一個月 I stayed with Shane after Tom passed away for a month.
我告訴謝恩"只要你需要 我一直陪著你" I told Shane, "I'll stay here as long as you need me,"
但是登上回家的飛機 But getting on that plane
是我這輩子做的最艱難的事 was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
你不想離開他 You know, you don't want to leave him,
因為他這么脆弱 'cause he was fragile.
湯姆 Hey, Tom.
謝恩的視頻日記 2011年5月
這是真的嗎 Is this happening?
這一切都是真的嗎 Is this really happening?
那些人都說 To all those people that, um,
同性戀 say that gay people are
不能相愛 unable to love.
我問每一個喪偶的丈夫和妻子 Can I ask every single husband and wife,
我的這種感受 that is in love
這種感受 to just
我的這種感受就是愛 to just feel what I'm feeling,
哪怕十分鐘 Even -- even for 10 minutes. And, um...
但是真的 But, really, I --
我不希望任何人經歷這種傷痛 I don't wish this upon anybody. I don't.
2011年7月
我終于給你買了戒指 I finally bought you your ring.
抱歉 I'm sorry that I didn't
我沒有早點給你買 I didn't get you one sooner.
我在里面刻上了"嗒嗒嗒" I put "Tap, tap, tap" inside.
我常常在想一件事 One thing that I'm thinking about is, like, well, you know,
2011年9月
如果我們最初不隱藏這份愛 what would have our relationship been like
我們的關系會怎么樣 if we wouldn't have had to have hid it from the beginning,
我會對你更深情 And would I have been able to just
更愛你一點嗎 be more affectionate and just give you more love?
如果我們存在 我們相愛 If who we are and how we,
是一種罪惡 you know, loved each other is a sin,
我們要一輩子 in that we have to live,
因此而受罰 you know, eternity suffering because of this.
我覺得上帝不會故意讓我們過這種生活 I don't think god would purposely set us up to live a life
讓我們不停地和本性斗爭 of just constantly fighting the urge to be who we are,
我真的不想相信 and I really don't want to believe that.
生日快樂 Happy birthday to you.
謝恩的視頻日記
我大腦里有種想法 You know, there's a part of me that thinks
也許我該向誰傾訴或者表露 maybe I should I tell someone or maybe I should show someone,
我的真實感受 you know, how I'm really feeling
而不是告訴大家我很好 instead of just telling everyone I'm okay.
我一點都不好 And I'm not okay.
生日快樂 Happy birthday to you.
悲傷的是失去你之后 It's sad that it took losing you
2011年11月
我才明白生命中最重要的是什么 to see what's really important in life.
真正重要的是盡全力去愛 All that really counts is just loving as much as we can
而不是害怕被愛 and not, you know, being afraid to be loved.
之前我吃得不多 Before, I was not eating enough,
現在我只想大吃特吃 and then now all I want to do is eat everything --
高脂肪的 冰淇林 煎餅 紅葡萄 fat stuff, ice cream, pancakes...red vines.
?編鐘敲響 我望向窗外 ♪ Black tower chimes, as I watch through my window
今天我要搭飛機去泰姬陵 Today I'm going on a plane to see the Taj Mahal,
?雪花飛舞 如蒲公英飄散 ♪ Snowflakes have scattered, like dandelion fur
印度 新德里
愛情的偉大紀念 我們旅行列表里的下一項 the great monument to love, which was next on our list.
?禮物扎著蕾絲綬帶 ♪ Presents are covered in ribbons and laces
謝恩的視頻日記 2011年12月25日
?遠方來信 開心歡快 ♪ Long distance tidings, so happy and bright
圣誕節去泰姬陵 Going to the Taj Mahal on Christmas,
圣誕節很棒 Christmas Day is a pretty cool thing, so...
?點燃煙火 噼噼啪啪 ♪ Lighting the fire, that crackles and pops
圣誕快樂 Merry Christmas.
?我們歡聚 在節日夜晚 ♪ Togetherness lives, on this holiday night
我只是希望大家都能理解 I just wish that all of us humans understood
我們并沒有區別 that we're all the same.
?每年此刻 互致幫助和歡樂 ♪ It's that time of year to give help and good cheer
世界上的所有人 無論什么類型 Everyone in the world, all different types of people,
無論信仰什么宗教 all different religions.
我們只是想快樂 We all just want to be happy.
?我們歡聚 在節日夜晚 ♪ Togetherness lives on this holiday night
?唱歌跳舞 與我們所愛 ♪ Singing and dancing with those who are dear
我們只是想被愛 We all just want to be loved.
謝謝你 湯姆 So, thank you, Tom.
?神奇一刻 施與及友善 ♪ It's a magical time, to be giving and kind
謝謝你愛我 Thank you for loving me.
?傳遞和平友愛歡快 在節日夜晚 ♪ Spread peace, love and joy, on this holiday night
感謝你把人生中的最后歲月給了我 Thank you for giving me the last years of your life.
我覺得我有責任 或者說是職責 I feel like that's my responsibility, like, my duty now,
像你一樣的生活 to live life like you did.
幾個月后 A few months later,
我回到了印第安納 I went back to Indiana.
我覺得我需要再看一次湯姆的墳墓 I felt like I just needed to see Tom's grave one more time.
我仍然不敢相信 I still can't believe
第一個圣誕節之后發生了這么多事 how much has happened since that first Christmas.
我們各自登機 回家 When we were each getting on a plane, heading home,
終于告訴對方我們的真實感受 and we finally told each other how we felt.
謝恩 你讓我感覺自己是世界上最幸運的人
我們應該考慮下我們想一起做什么 比方說在大海里游泳
下雨天整天待在家看電影
買一處房子 養一條狗
還有養一個小孩
教他騎車
上學第一天開車送他去學校
我們在桌旁用餐 狗在腳下等著接掉下來的食物
去野餐 躺在星空下的草坪上
好 我們現在要起飛了
我們一起生活會很愉快 希望彼此能一直保有這種感覺
會的 湯姆 我愛你 我已經想你了
我的心屬于你 謝恩·彼特尼·克羅恩
我到墓地那里 When I got to the cemetery,
非常驚訝地發現 I was surprised to see that
湯姆的父母給他立了塊墓碑 Tom's parents had bought him a monument
也為自己立了墓碑 with a place for themselves, not next to each other,
諾曼·G
1947年10月4日-
湯姆的墓碑在他們中間 but on either side of their son,
瑪莎·F
1951年8月18日-
好像仍試圖使他遠離什么事或者什么人 as though they're still trying to keep him from something or someone.
很難相信即使到現在 It's just -- it's hard to believe that even now
他們仍然否認湯姆的本性 Tom is still being denied the promise of his own name.
托馬斯·李·布萊德格魯
1982年4月22日-2011年5月7日
這種感覺就好像 It really does feel like
他現在代表我們所有人 he's standing in for all of us now,
代表所有 I mean, like, for all gay people
夢想有朝一日能結婚的同性戀者 who dream of getting married some day.
我想我永遠無法理解 I guess I'll never understand
為什么本該最愛他的人 why the ones who are supposed to love him the most
卻想方設法地反對他做回自己 fight the hardest to keep him from being who he was.
也許湯姆最偉大之處在于 Maybe the greatest thing about Tom
無論如何他都愛著他的父母 is how much he loved them anyway.
我記得我站在那里想 I just remember standing there and thinking
如果我可以和他父母說一句話 that if there's one thing that I could say to his parents,
那就是 here's what it would be --
"這不是你們兒子的紀念碑" "This is not the monument to your son.
"他是你們的紀念碑" He was the monument to you."
?我念三年級時 ♪ When I was in the third grade
?以為自己是基 ♪ I thought that I was gay
?因為我會畫畫 我叔叔也是基 ♪ 'cause I could draw, my uncle was
?我還把房間整得一塵不染 ♪ And I kept my room straight
?我跟媽說 邊說邊流淚 ♪ I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
?她卻說 本 你幼兒園起就愛妹子 ♪ She's like "Ben, you've loved girls since before pre-k"
字幕總監制: 大偉昔
?算了 她說得有道理 不是嗎 ♪ Trippin' Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she
?傳統的思緒在我的心頭浮現 ♪ Bunch of stereotypes all in my head
?做算術我以為就像 ♪ I remember doing the math like
?嘿 我可擅長棒球聯合會 ♪ "Yeah, I'm good at little league"
翻譯: 灰灰是菇涼 紫玉 嘟嘟矢
?這種先入為主 ♪ A preconceived idea of what it all meant
?給喜歡同性的人 ♪ For those that liked the same sex
?都打上另類標簽 ♪ Had the characteristics
翻譯: 阿包包 瀟湘月影 No. Zero 小白龍
?右翼保守黨認為這是后天人為 ♪ The right-wing conservatives think it's a decision
?可以通過治療和宗教治愈 ♪ And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
翻譯: 妞兒 大衛熊 奶油花 oktobertanz
?人們被要求逆天而為 ♪ Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
?簡直在扮演上帝 ♪ Playing god
時間軸: aaaBao 阿丹 今 No. Zero
?就這樣吧 ♪Aw, naw, here we go
?勇敢的美國人仍畏懼未可知的東西 ♪America the brave still fears what we don't know
校對：大偉昔 特效: 灰灰是菇涼
?神愛世人 被莫名奇妙地忘記 ♪And god loves all his children is somehow forgotten
?我們卻妄加解讀3500年前的圣經 ♪But we paraphrase a book written 3,500 years ago
?我不知道 ♪I don't know
?我無法改變 ♪And I can't change
?即使努力 ♪Even if I tried
?即使情愿 ♪Even if I wanted to
?我無法改變 ♪And I can't change
?即使努力 ♪Even if I tried
?即使情愿 ♪Even if I wanted to
?吾愛 吾愛 吾愛 ♪My love, my love, my love
?她予我溫暖 ♪She keeps me warm
?我若是基 ♪If I was gay
?會被嘻哈族討厭吧 ♪I would think hip-hop hates me
?瞧瞧最近油管上的評論 ♪Have you read the youtube comments lately
?大伙都說 "呸 跟基佬似的" ♪"Man, that's gay" Gets dropped on the daily
?而絲毫不覺得這話有何不妥 ♪We become so numb to what we're saying
?這壓抑人性的文化 ♪A culture founded from oppression
?讓我們如何去接納 ♪Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
?戲謔地在彼此留言板上寫"娘炮" ♪Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
?無視這詞語根源深處的仇恨 ♪A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
?同性愛竟成劣類代名詞 ♪Gay is synonymous with the lesser
?正是這仇恨掀起了宗教血腥 ♪It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
?罔論性別與膚色斗爭 ♪Gender to skin color
?一副皮囊而已 ♪The complexion of your pigment
?這斗爭引領人們示威靜坐 ♪The same fight that led people to walk-outs and sit-ins
?天賦人權 ♪It's human rights for everybody
?眾生平等 ♪There is no difference
?堅持住 做自己 ♪Live on, and be yourself
?在教堂里我還學到了其它東西 ♪When I was at church, they taught me something else
?若口吐仇恨這類罪惡的字眼 ♪If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
?就會玷污洗滌你的圣水 ♪That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
?面對那些人權被踐踏的人們 ♪When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
?多數人選擇沉默著回避 ♪Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
?我不會 ♪I might not be the same
?這不重要 ♪But that's not important
?不平等則無自由 ♪No freedom till we're equal
?沒錯 我挺你們 ♪Damn right, I support it
?我不知道 ♪I don't know
我們邀請了布萊德格魯一家參與此紀錄片的拍攝
?愛即是容忍 ♪Love is patient
?愛即是感恩 ♪Love is kind
他們沒有答復
?愛即是容忍 ♪Love is patient
?愛即是感恩 ♪Love is kind
湯姆逝世周年之際 謝恩上傳了一段視頻講述他們的故事
?我于寂靜之聲中醒轉 ♪Well, I woke u p to the sound of silence
觀眾達數百萬人次
?哭聲尖利如薄刃劃過掌心 ♪The cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight
謝恩 你們的故事在世間流傳 如星火燎原 -扎克·M
?你流連于杯中物 ♪And I found you with a bottle of wine
謝恩 這段視頻在澳洲已是人盡皆知 湯姆的死并非毫無意義 -馬蒂·C
?布幔遮著臉龐 ♪Your head in the curtains
?心中蕩漾著節日的狂歡 ♪And heart like the fourth of July
拿出勇氣來 謝恩 來自法國的新朋友 -紀堯姆
?你言詞鑿鑿 ♪You swore and said
?"我們并非那熠熠繁星" ♪"We are not we are not shining stars"
謝恩 永遠不要放棄 -來自墨西哥的丹卡洛
?我怎會不知 ♪This I know
?也從未敢奢望 ♪I never said we are
《或許就是你的故事》 持續在全球范圍掀起心靈思想風暴
?從未試過如此撕心裂肺 ♪Though I've never been through hell like that
?窗頁開開關關再映不出你驀然回首 ♪I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back
謝恩 我有同樣的經歷 完全能感受你的痛苦 -大廚勞埃德63
謝恩 我男友自殺了 感謝你為我們挺身而出 -澳洲克萊恩
?你也許孤單迷惘 ♪If you're lost and alone
失去了愛人 且不知他葬身之處 18年來無一日可釋懷 -弄潮男孩
?沉沉墜向未知的虛空 ♪Or you're sinking like a stone
?挺住 ♪Carry on
1996年 我失去了伴侶 失去了一切 -55尤里卡
?往事依依皆化作你腳下步履堅定 ♪May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground
我是個槍不離手的頑固莊稼漢 但今后我再不會反對這種愛情 -安東Z
?挺住 ♪Carry on
我是基督徒 但也被深深感動 同性愛異性愛并無分別 -勞拉埃文斯93
如果愛一個人也犯法 那我們都是不法之徒 -Mt雷勒
?挺住 挺住 ♪Carry on, carry on
他們的事上了報紙 An article came out in the paper,
我們這里的新聞也播了 And then we had it on our news channels,
許多親戚感到難以接受 And it was hard for several of my family members
為平等而請愿
看到我兒子跟他的同性伴侶 to see my son on there with his gay partner.
我不覺得困擾 但很多人覺得困擾 It didn't bother me, but it bothered a lot of people.
高調同性戀視頻大肆傳播
我不理它 I ignore it.
我為謝恩的所作所為感到驕傲 'cause I'm proud of what shane's doing,
而且我永遠感激湯姆 And because I'll always be grateful for Tom
為我兒子付出的一切 and what he gave to my son.
他說過很多次 Many times he said, you know,
湯姆不在了 我活著也沒意義 "My life is not worth living without Tom."
他就像涅槃重生的鳳凰一般 He's risen like a phoenix from the ashes.
謝恩曾經害怕出柜 Shane, the guy who was afraid of coming out
不能接受自己 and accepting who he was,
現在他站在人群的最前面 And now he's in front of the parade
身后飄揚著彩虹旗 with rainbow flags behind him.
他積極地傳播正能量 He made something positive out of it,
這正是湯姆的座右銘 which is always Tom's motto.
在反對同性戀歧視的斗爭中 Shane gave discrimination against gays
謝恩展現了一種生動難忘的姿態 A beautiful, unforgettable face,
是湯姆的姿態 And that face is Tom.
?頭顱已經爆裂 ♪My head is on fire
?腿腳尚能奔跑 ♪But my legs are fine
下列6508位贊助者 通過kickstarter.com為本片募集資金
?畢竟是我的身體 ♪After all, they are mine
?衣服就丟在地上吧 ♪Lay your clothes down on the floor
?關上房門 ♪Close the door
?握緊電話 ♪Hold the phones
?今夜再沒有人能夠阻止我們 ♪Show me how no one's ever gonna stop us tonight
?我們就是 ♪'cause here we are
?就是那熠熠繁星 ♪We are shining stars
?堅不可摧 ♪We are invincible
?忠于自我 ♪We are who we are
?在天各一方的黑暗日子里 ♪On our darkest day when we're miles away
?太陽仍會升起 照亮回家的路 ♪Sun will come, we will find our way home
?你也許孤單迷惘 ♪If you're lost and alone
?沉沉墜向未知的虛空 ♪Or you're sinking like a stone
?挺住 ♪Carry on
?往事依依皆化作你腳下步履堅定 ♪May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground
?挺住 ♪Carry on
?今夜再沒有人能夠阻止我們 ♪No one's ever gonna stop us tonight
?再沒有人 ♪No one's ever
?再沒有人能夠阻止 ♪No one's ever gonna stop
?今夜再沒有人能夠阻止我們 ♪No one's ever gonna stop us tonight
?流干了眼淚 ♪Tears all fall the same
?歷盡了風霜 ♪We all feel the rain
?我們無從改變 ♪We can't change
?浪跡天涯 ♪Everywhere we go
?只為找尋一縷光明 ♪We're lookin' for the sun
?無處終老 ♪Nowhere to grow old
?此生注定在劫難逃 ♪We're always on the run
?世人唾我們萬劫不復 ♪They say we'll rot in hell
?但我不相信 ♪But I don't think we will
?不相信他們論斷 ♪They've branded us enough
?禁忌之戀 ♪Outlaws of love
?已然傷痕累累 ♪Scars make us who we are
?無以為家 心痛欲裂 ♪Hearts and homes are broken, broken
?那么遠 那么遠的旅途 ♪Far, we could go so far
?只需一絲絲 一絲絲慰藉 ♪With our minds wide open, open
?流干了眼淚 ♪Tears all fall the same
?歷盡了風霜 ♪We all feel the rain
?我們無從改變 ♪We can't change
?浪跡天涯 ♪Everywhere we go
?只為找尋一縷光明 ♪We're lookin' for the sun
?無處終老 ♪Nowhere to grow old
?此生注定在劫難逃 ♪We're always on the run
?世人唾我們萬劫不復 ♪They say we'll rot in hell
?但我不相信 ♪But I don't think we will
?不相信他們論斷 ♪They've branded us enough
?禁斷之戀 ♪Outlaws of love
?不肖之戀 ♪Outlaws of love
?放浪之戀 ♪Outlaws of love
?階囚之戀 ♪Outlaws of love
?地獄之戀 ♪Outlaws of love